For Renee

For those of you who don't know, I have a younger sister named Renee. She is 20 years old and is a junior in college. This post is for her. It's probably going to be a long one. Read the whole thing. The end is the best part.

Since I have been home I have been struggling with something. I really really need to let go of something. In case you haven't noticed based on previous blogs, this is a hard thing for me to do...let go. It was really bothering me today. I kept thinking about it and I kind of let it ruin my day. I decided to take a relaxing bath and go to bed early and just hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

While I was getting ready for bed, I started thinking about how much harder this all would be if I didn't have people in my life that were there for me. I started thinking through all the people that have really stuck by me. There were a few that really stuck out. One of them was my sister, Renee. The rest of this post is going to be all about her.

Renee is 3 years younger than me. Growing up, we played together all the time. We played barbies and dollies and house. I would boss her around and make her do things....and she would. That is the power of being the older sister. As we grew older we still got along pretty well, but I had my own friends I became more concerned with. When I got into high school I became alot busier and spent less and less time with her.

She was still always there for me though. I would talk to her about my boy problems and she would listen so attentively. I didn't realize it at the time, but she really looked up to me. I would come to realize this later. When she got into high school, I was a senior. We grew a little closer that year because we shared a few of the same friends and were involved in some of the same things at school. I graduated and got out of East Bernard as fast as I possibly could. I wanted to leave this small town behind me and move on to new places. (I don't necessarily feel that way anymore).

When I went away to college, Renee and I actually grew closer. I think being away from her made me realize how much I took her for granted. This is also about when I started realizing that Renee looked up to me. Everything I did was setting an example for her. I remember realizng this and wanting to make sure I set a good example for her.

Well lets fast forward another 3 years to when Renee got into college. She decided to go to Texas A&M, and I happened to be a senior there! I was so excited to get to share one year of college together with my sister. I was living in a house and she was living in the dorms. Renee is an extremely friendly and outgoing person, so she had no trouble making friends. She would still come over and visit her older sister though :)

Throughout her first year of college, Renee had some rough experiences. She would come to me for help. There were times when I felt completely helpless, but I would just hold her as she cried. Those months were some of the hardest of her life, along with mine. I so badly wanted to help her, but I had to trust God to do that. I was bonded to her through those times. I can't really even explain the bond that was formed. I wanted to protect her from the world and everything bad. I would cry just thinking about her. I loved her so much. I remember thinking that if I loved her that much, how much more does God love her?

There were also times my senior year that Renee was there for me. I remember one night in particular. I really needed her to be there with me. I was hurting and I didn't want to be alone. I called her and she came over. I cried myself to sleep and she slept right beside me. (Luckily I had a queen sized bed...but even if I didn't, she still would have squeezed in with me. We've done it before). That brought me great comfort.

As my senior year came to an end, I was getting ready to move to Denver for an internship. I was also faced with the decision between going to Denver Seminary or Dallas Theological Seminary. As I was trying to make my decision, I couldn't help but think about how far away from Renee I would be if I chose Denver. I agonized over it. I felt so protective of her and wanted to be able to drive and see her anytime I wanted to. In the end, I felt God leading me to Denver. I knew I had to trust him to take care of my Renee.

Since then, our relationship has changed. Renee is so strong and so mature. She has done just fine without me there with her. Since moving away, I have been the one that has needed to just cry on her shoulder. I know that Renee has looked up to me her whole life, but what I want to tell her is that I look up to her just as much or more than she looks up to me. Renee has such incredible wisdom for her 20 years. She is more mature than any 20 year old I know and has always given me good advice. I have looked to her for solid footing more this past year than she has looked to me.

Renee is full of life and passion. She sings and dances her way through the house and brings a smile to everyone. She has always been that way. She is also very funny. She has a unique sense of humor that her friends recognize and appreciate. She also has such a huge capacity to love. She wants to make this world a better place for those who are victims of injustice. I have absolutely no doubt that she will. Renee is going to do great things in her life. I know it.

Renee, I love you. You know me better than anyone. You know when I'm lying and when I'm hurting. You know when to just hug me and when to make me talk. I have loved growing up with you. I loved when you would leave me notes on my bed to tell me how much you loved me. I saved all of them. I loved all the letters you wrote me while I was away at Pine Cove. I saved those too. I love coming home knowing I will get to see you.

I can't wait to see where the Lord takes both of us. I'm just glad to know you will always be there with me. Thank you for always loving me.

Encouragement

Every time I come home I always go to my closet and pull out all my old stuff from elementary all the way through college. I love looking through it all and remembering those times. My room is a mess right now because I have all my memorabilia spread all over the floor.

Tonight I decided to go through my box with all my old Pine Cove stuff in it. Pine Cove was a Christian family camp I worked at for 3 summers in college. It was a really stretching and good experience for me. I learned alot about myself and God during those summers. Those summers were very intense spiritually, emotionally and physically. There were times when I hated it and times when I loved it. Each summer was a completely different experience for me, but the one thing that was reinforced in me each summer was that I needed to die to myself.

Going through all my Pine Cove stuff reminded me of that. I desperately need to die to myself and lay my wants and desires at the feet of Jesus. There are a few things I just keep holding onto that are really hard to let go of. I know I need to give them to him and trust that He will work it all out for my good.

I was also greatly encouraged by going through all that stuff. Most of my old Pine Cove stuff is letters and notes of encouragement from my campers or fellow counselors. Almost every day at camp I would get a note from somebody encouraging me with a kind word or a Bible verse. It became so commonplace that I took it for granted. I saved all of them. There are so many that I couldn't even read them all. I would have been up all night if I had tried to read them all. To read those notes 4 or 5 years later was soooo good. It reminded me how much I appreciate encouragement. It also reminded me how little I encourage others. That is something I want to work on.

I don't really keep up with anyone that I worked with at Pine Cove. I see updates on facebook from time to time so I know what some of them are up to now. Many of them are married. If any of my fellow pine cove counselors are reading this I wish you all well! Thanks for all the encouragement during camp. I'd love to hear from any of you anytime! :)

Reminders

I am sitting in the Houston airport waiting on my flight back to Denver. I got here way too early and so I have some time to kill. I find myself reflecting on what my time at home was like. I was able to spend a weekend in College Station with some dear friends and then the whole week with my family in East Bernard.

The weekend in College Station was soo soo good. I'm not the greatest at keeping up with people (I don't like talking on the phone) and so I had alot to catch up on with my old college friends. I have changed quite a bit since graduating from college and am still in the midst of some of that change. Quite honestly, I've lost some of the passion for God and the Bible that I used to have in college. I've let other things dominate my thinking and have slowly become more self-absorbed. This is why it was so good to see my old friends. They reminded me of what I used to be like. They reminded me of what it is like to serve my God. They reminded me of what Godly marriages look like. They reminded me of the importance of prayer in my life. God knew I needed to be reminded.

When I left College Station and went to East Bernard, I felt spiritually refreshed. The first night I was home I dug out all my old journals from junior high, high school and college and began reading through them. I must say, the ones from junior high were quite entertaining. Every single entry was about one boy or another and how in love with him I was! I got quite a kick out of reading about it. It was so cool to read through all my journals and see how my faith matured over time. Alot of the same struggles reappeared in the journals, but each time I had more wisdom to handle them.

Reading through all those journals reminded me of the journey God has taken me on to get me to where I am now. It made me so thankful that God used my failures and triumphs to bring me to this point. My journey is not over and I am still journaling. I'm sure in the future I'll read back through the journal I am in now and be reminded of God faithfullness again. That is what I love about journals. They remind you of where you have been and where God is taking you.

Giving Thanks

In light of Thanksgiving, I though I'd list some of the things I am thankful for.

a wonderful loving family
getting to pursue my passion for counseling
having grown up in East Bernard and getting to come back for visits
the rice farm
hearing stories about my family's history
chooclate
living in Colorado
skiing
an amazing group of friends from college and seminary
reconnecting with old friends from high school
reading through all my old journals from JH and HS and being able to laugh at myself
my health
my job
God's faithfulness and protection
good Mexican food
my mom's amazing pumpkin rolls
coffee
fireplaces

Of course I could list many more things, but that will do for now :)

The Goodness of the Lord

Last night I was brought to tears for about the 500th time this year in response to the goodness of the Lord. I was at Expressions Night, a worship event at the seminary, and God led me to Psalm 27. Everything thing in this psalm spoke exactly to what I have been struggling with. I read it over and over again and each time was struck with how faithful my God is. I will share with you verses 7-14, the ones that really stood out to me.

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
The LORD will recieve me.
Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
beacause of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up agains me,
breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

These are such powerful and beautiful words. I was struck by the line "I will see the goodness of the LORD." Those words especially brought me to tears because I HAVE seen the goodness of the Lord and yet I constantly forget that He is good.

Basically the whole night and all these verses came down to one word I heard from the Lord: TRUST. I will trust in Him. He will never abandon me.

Lessons

I have been sitting on my couch staring at this blank screen with the cursor blinking for about 5 mintues now. I have been thinking about what exactly I want to write about. Usually I like to write about what I am learning, whether that be spiritually or academically. As I sit here and reflect on what God is teaching me right now, I am a bit stuck.

I know God is teaching me something, but I'm just not sure exactly what yet. Trust is one thing I know he is trying to teach me. Such a basic lesson, but one I have had to learn over and over again. I guess it's not that I don't know exactly what God is teaching me, but it's the sheer amount of what he is teaching me that has my head spinning. I feel like God has shown me so much about him and myself since I started seminary that it is really hard to sit down and process it all.

Currently I am in the midst of learning some hard things...things I've learned before but am having to relearn again. For some reason it usually takes me a few times before a lesson really sinks in. I am very much an experiencial learner. I am learning that the things I think I want most in life do not satisfy unless they are in line with his perfect will for me. The things I think I want/need/deserve just do not measure up for what God has for me. I don't know exactly what God has for me, but I have to trust that it is better than what I want for me. I have strived and strived for the things I want and they haven't satisfied, so I can only hope that what He has for me will satisfy.

In the midst of learning all of this in the past year, the one theme that has reappeared over and over is God's amazing faithfulness and his undeserved love for me. I have screwed up so many times. I have been broken multiple times. Every time I come to him crying and weary and every single time he recives me with open arms. Just this week I was moved to tears by his faithfulness and love for me. I don't know why I continue to be surprised by his faithfulness. That is who God is. It is part of his nature. He will never forsake me or abandon me.

As I am reflecting on all of this I have realized that I am only about 6 weeks away from finishing my first year of seminary. This year has been the MOST difficult year of my life spiritually, emotionally, and academically. There has been much joy, but also much pain. I've been faced with issues from my past and at the same time had to deal with issues in the present. I've had to focus on my future as I try to figure out this whole counseling thing and what that is going to look like for me. It is just a whole lot to deal with at one time...but God is so good...and in the midst of of all this joy and pain He has been there all along.

As I think more about my future and all the uncertainties it holds, I am comforted by the simple fact that the one thing I do know is that God is good...and He is there...and He loves me.

Procrastination

So I'm sitting in the library writing a really boring paper. It was so boring, in fact, that I decided to write in my blog instead. Not really sure what is going to end up coming out...I just felt like writing.

Music...music has been on my mind lately. Music has this amazing ability to connect with its listener like no other. The rhythm, the lyrics, the notes....they speak to a part of us that other mediums can't reach. I can get completely lost in a song even while I'm standing in the middle of a huge crowd. It helps that I am pretty good at disassocating from my surroundings when I want to be.

Disassociating...that reminds me of my diagnosis and psychopathologies class. (There is a whole class of disorders called Disassociative disorders). I find that class soooo fascinating. It is amazing what the human brain does in response to certain situations and how those responses manifest themselves in different people depending on their life circumstances. I just took my midterm for this class this morning...so that is why this is all on my mind. It is a challenge for me to decide what I believe about the complex interplay between the psychological, biological, sociological and spiritual issues involved in all of these disorders. I believe each of these factors plays a different part in each individual and each disorder. The question is...how much of a role does each play and how do I then go about treating the person with the disorder? It is alot to think about...

On a completely different note, the last time I was home (East Bernard) I came across a book that I started writing in 8th grade. I brought it back with me here to Colorado. Yesterday I showed it to my friends and read the first chapter aloud to them. It was QUITE entertaining for everyone, including me. Some of the descriptions and phrases I used are absolutely hilarious. My writing style has changed quite a bit since then. We read 2 chapters last night and will read another chapter tonight. There are only 4 chapters so we can only drag it out so long. I never finished the book. My friends tell me I should finish it, but I would somehow have to reconnect with my 8th grade self to come up with the amazingly cheesy lines I wrote back then.

Ok...I guess that is enough procrastination for now. I will try to get back to writing my incredibly boring paper for this incredibly boring class. This is the 1st class that I have not enjoyed here so far. I won't mention the class though....

Times

This song just says it better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw_8o85lFxA

Silence

Depending on the moment or situation, silence can be a beautiful thing or a scary thing. I found that in my experience many people are uncomfortable with silence. That is a shame. Silence can be extremely therapeutic. That is one of the first things I learned in my counseling classes. Although two people may be sitting in the same room saying nothing to each other, there is still something that is being communicated in that silence. Silence gives people a chance to just sit and be or think or process.

I understand that silence can also be awkward sometimes, especially if you are with someone that you don't know very well. It takes a certain level of comfortability to sit in silence with someone and not feel awkward. I also understand that different personalities use and interpret silence differently. Some people say everything that pops into their head, while others carefully choose what they want to say. I'd say I lean towards the latter.

I am perfectly content to sit in silence with someone I am comfortable with. It is soothing to me. Sometimes that silence is loaded with unspoken words, and other times it simply is silence. Either way, I appreciate when others are ok with my silence. It is a part of who I am and it will probably never change.

Honesty

Honesty is something I very highly value. I think honesty in friendships is a must, even when the truth may sting a little. I love getting to the point in a friendship where you can be honest without fear of losing the friendship. That is something I am working on...being completely honest with my friends about how I am feeling. Many times I squelch the desire to be honest with how I am feeling (especially if they are negative feelings) but I think in the long-run that just creates more problems.

Today I was able to get to that honesty point with a friend and it actually ended up solving several problems! I just wish that we hadn't waited so long to talk to each other.

Lesson learned today: Honesty is so refreshing.

Don't know

Today was one of those days where I was totally incapable of making any decisions....even the simple ones. Don't even get me started on the hard ones. I had and still have no idea what I wanted, much less what I needed. I do not enjoy days like that at all. I get so frustrated because my mind goes one way and then it goes the opposite way and then I just end up exhausted. I am mentally drained for the day. I just hope tomorrow will be better than today.

Worship

I do not understand the ways of God. I am not supposed to. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. He always seems to catch me off guard. I was caught off guard several times this week.

I started a new semester of seminary on Monday. I knew it would be hard, but good as well. I didn't expect for God to move in such a strong way within the first 4 days though. I was in chapel on Tuesday and I broke down crying in the middle of worship. I was just struck by how marvelous and holy God is. I really can't describe how it felt. I was stuck by his majesty and then I was struck by how I've ignored it for so long. I was weeping because this past summer I put so many other things before God. I was weeping because I hadn't truly worshiped God in a really long time. I was weeping because despite all of that, He still loves me.

This morning I went for a run down by the river. I stopped at one point to go and sit down on some rocks in the river. I just wanted to sit and think. I had my ipod with me so I started listening to some worship music. Again, God moved....and again, I cried. I was listening to "How Deep the Father's Love for us" and I just felt so unworthy of his unconditional love. I was crying because I know I don't deserve his love, yet he chooses to give it anyway. I've chased after so many other things, and somehow I always end up back at the feet of Jesus.

For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him.

Ready or Not

In 2 days my second semester of seminary will start. In some ways I am ready and in some ways I am definitely not. I'm ready to get back into a routine and start learning again. I'm ready for the hustle and bustle of campus and seeing my friends everyday. I'm ready for that kind of change.

There are other changes I am not ready for. The past two weeks or so I have figured some things out about myself that probably need to start changing. I'm not sure I'm ready to change though. It will be hard and it won't be fun at points, but in the end I think it will make alot of things better. I know God will help me make these changes and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have to get ready...

Sleep

I haven't slept well in a long time. By "well" I mean peacefully. I have been having lots of dreams...usually not good ones. Sometimes they hit a little too close to home and I just wake up feeling stressed out or emotionally exhausted. I toss and turn and kick the covers off then want the covers back. I used to sleep so still. I long for one of those dreamless nights where you wake up in the same position you fell asleep in. I think I know why I haven't been sleeping well, but I'm not really sure how to fix it. I think once God gives me peace about certains things going on right now maybe I will then also be able to sleep peacefully. It will be a welcome change.

Pictures

I believe photographs can speak for themselves. These photos have spoken to me lately. Some are mine and some are from the internet. I thought instead of writing I would just share these pohtos.

The Big Picture

It is so easy to get caught up in the smaller details of life that you lose sight of the big picture. Yesterday I was reminded of what my big picture is. I am in an online Old Testament class right now and I was watching a video lecture by Dr. Carol. He was lecturing about Jeremiah. There were a couple of parts that really caught my attention. He was talking about Jeremiah's calling in chapter 1 and stressed the importance of the call to ministry. You must be called. The next part that really made my heart start pounding was when he talked about Jeremiah 20:7-9. Jeremiah is complaining about the hardships he has been through, but then says he can't help but speak God's name because "his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." Dr. Carol asked how many of us feel that fire. That question struck me.

Honestly, right now I don't feel that fire. I have in the past and I hope to once again in the future, but currently it is not really there. I can feel it slowly trying to start again. Little things over the past couple of weeks have reminded me about that fire. In the past month I've come to realize that the past 8 months of my life have been very self-focused. I've focused on my problems and issues that have arisen that needed to be dealt with. I still need to continue dealing with them, but I also want to start focusing on others as well. Being completely self-focused is absolutely draining. I can see now that the fire starting going out when I started being self-focused instead of others-focused.

I have been caught up in the smaller details of my life and for a while lost sight of why I was even in seminary. That lecture reminded me. I was called here to study Biblical counseling. I am confident of my calling and I need to remind myself that God has a purpose in that. He also has a purpose in all the little details going on in my life. Those little details help make up the big picture. The are not insignificant by any means, but they also should not overshadow my calling.

This morning as I was praying I asked God what he wanted of me. "Be patient" was the answer I recieved. I'm not sure exactly what I am supposed to be patient for, but I have some ideas. I have really been craving change lately. I kind of feel like I am stuck and that things need to be shaken up in order for me to move forward. Maybe that change will come and maybe it won't. Maybe it will be completely different from what I am expecting. Maybe something I've felt all along God might be telling me is actually coming, but I must be patient.

So, while I am waiting for change I will be patient. While I am waiting for change I will keep the big picture in mind.

Past Present and Future

My past, my present and my future are all very different. Certain things from my past carry over into my present and probably my future, but other things don't. Some things should carry over and some things shouldn't. No matter what I choose to bring with me into my present and future, everything in my past is still a part of me. I can't erase things and I can't do things over. What is done is done.

In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.

After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.

I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.

Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.

So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.

Seasons

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear town and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear a a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As these verses say, there are seasons we will each go through. Some are more fun than others. The hard seasons are needed in order to appreciate the good ones. Throughout each season God is molding our character and shaping us into the person He desires us to be...if we allow Him.

Sometimes it feels as though we are stuck in the same season and will never get out. I know I have felt that way before. It is not fun. If that is you right now....be encouraged....it won't last forever. It will last as long as God needs it to last in order to more perfectly shape you in His image.

I really like the song "The Valley" by Lindsey Kane. It speaks to me every time. The words are full of truth. Here are the lyrics:

Just when I thought this valley couldn't get any deeper
Just when I thought I was stepping out of this
Just when I thought a mountian was in my view
That's when I saw you

You didn't take me out of it but you joined me in it
You didn't lift me out of it but you lifted me up in it
You didn't pull me out of it but you pulled me toward you in it
and I know
I'll be ok

Jesus where would I be without your sovereignty?
Jesus where would I be without your sovereignty?

Just when I thought this mountain couldn't get any steeper
Just when I thought I was falling off of it
Just when I thought that valley was in my view
That's when I saw you

You didn't take me out of it but you joined me in it
You didn't didn't lift me out of it but you lifted me up in it
You didn't pull me out of it but you pulled me toward you in it
And I know
I'll be ok

Jesus where would I be without your sovereignty?
Jesus where would I be without your sovereignty?
Thank you for this valley
In it I am made to be

You didn't take me out of it but you joined me in it
You didn't lift me out of it but you lifted me up in it
You didn't pull me out of it but you pulled me towards you in it
And I know
I'll be ok

Jesus where would I be without your sovereignty?
Jesus where would I be without your sovereignty?

You may not like the season you are in, but God is there in it with you. He may keep you there for awhile, but He will NEVER abandon you. As I write these words I am challenged to believe them as well. The seasons will change and better times are ahead. I know that God has great plans for my future and my hope rests in that. I cannot hope in anything but Him because I will be disappointed everytime. Put your hope in Him and Him alone.

Colorado

I love Colorado. I love that I actually live here. That fact alone will make me smile every time. Texas was great and all, but Colorado sure beats that Texas heat anyday. I love that I can sit on my balcony in the morning drinking my coffee and reading my Bible with a view of the mountains. The morning air is the perfect temperature and there is a certain smell to Colorado mornings that is different from anywhere else.

I am guaranteed a gorgeous sunset almost every evening. They never cease to take my breath away. One of these days I am going to get in a wreck because I was too busy watching the sunset instead of the road. Last Thursday my roommate and I were on our way to meet up with some friends around 8pm. It was raining but you could still see an amazing sunset over the mountains and to the east was a double rainbow! It was stunning no matter where you looked.

The South Platte River is a 2 minute drive or 10 minute walk for me. There are miles and miles of trails around my apartment and the seminary. I can bike, run, rollerblade, walk, tube, kayak or swim anytime I want (well except that I don't have the equipment for some of those activities...but in theory I could). I have always LOVED the outdoors and I finally live in a place where pretty much any outdoor activity I could ever want to do is at my fingertips. It is pretty darn amazing.

All that to say...I am blessed. I am blessed to live in a place that I love and enjoy. I may have lots of other junk going on in my life, but at least I live in Colorado! :)

P.S. I hope this didn't make all you Texans too jealous ;)

Breakthrough

I had a big breakthrough this past weekend and I believe I am on my way to a couple more. I was able to tear down some walls that I had built up around myself to keep me safe. I was so afraid to break through those walls because I wasn't sure that I would hold up without them. Those walls were keeping me protected from what I thought was going to hurt me. I've known for the past 6 months that I needed to do something about these walls. I knew that when I finally tore them down I would be free, but I wasn't ready yet.

I know this all seems a little ambiguous. It is supposed to be. If you really want to know more about it just ask me. I can tell you that it was through painting that these walls began to fall down. I know...you might be surprised. Most people don't know that I enjoy painting. If you do know then you have probably lived with me or know me pretty well. In the past I would paint just because I enjoyed it. It was relaxing for me, but I usually never liked what I ended up painting. It wasn't good enough for me. I usually wouldn't ever show anyone what I had created. I didn't realize that it didn't matter what other people thought, but my walls kept me from seeing that.

This semseter I realized how much I missed painting along with all my other creative outlets. Through various people and experiences I started to realize that art is personal and unique to its creator. My creation doesn't have to look like the art you might find in a museum. Each creation tells a story about the person who created it. My art tells a story about me. I finally realized that this weekend. I was able to paint what I have experienced this semester. I painted freedom. I knocked down my walls and it felt great. I didn't feel the need to try to copy someone else's art...I created my own and actually liked the finished product. Now whether or not anyone else likes it is irrelevant. I painted it for me, not anyone else. I know the significance behind each brush stroke and that is good enough for me. This painting will be a reminder that I am free and that I want to live a life without walls. I would encourage you to do the same.

I'm finished making plans...

I am a planner for the most part. I do enjoy the occasional spontaneous activity, but usually I like to make plans. I like to know what is coming so I can be ready for it. I like to be suprised sometimes, but not by big huge non-expected things. I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I don't like to be caught off guard by things (unpleasant things usually) I am not expecting....so this is why I make plans...to avoid being caught off guard.

Well you would think that by now I would have learned that you can't predict the future. I can make all the plans I want, but things change and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. I can prepare myself for what I think is going to happen, but then it doesn't happen...so where does that leave me? It leaves me frustrated and confused and mad at myself for once again trying to predict the future. I realize that I am not in control, God is.

Why do I try to control things? I suppose I think I know what is best for me and what I need...but that is totally ridiculous. God has proven to me time and time again that I don't know what is best at all. He does though. At least somebody knows what is going on in my life...maybe someday I will figure it out too.

I have to make a daily choice to wake up and trust God with my day. I have to trust him with not only things involving me, but things involving other people as well. When I see other people hurting, my first instinct is to fix it. That is not my job though. I can't fix people (another control issue). Really...only God can fix them. I can be His hands and feet and do what He asks of me, but ultimately God is the healer, not me. This is realllllly hard for me to accept because I absolutely hate to see people that are hurting, especially if it is someone close to me. I've tried to "fix" people in the past and learned that that usually only causes more pain. So, I must learn to trust God with the people I love. He will heal them in His timing, not mine.

Self-reflection

I like songs that have a forward-moving rhythm...songs that propel you forward...make you want to run. They remind me that life goes on and there is an exciting future awaiting me. They inspire me to keep moving forward.

I have been doing alot of self-reflection over the past couple of days. I did so much self-reflection this past semester I didn't think I would ever want to do it again. Well, I've found myself almost forced to self-reflect before I can move forward. At first it was painful, but I identified some areas that are due for some growth. It was painful to realize some truths about myself, but it is so exciting to know that I can now start working on those areas. It is so good to see that out of pain comes growth. That is the only thing that makes the pain a little less painful...knowing that I am learning something through it. This growth is what will keep me moving forward...on to new and exciting things.

Fast Forward

Have you ever wanted to fast forward a couple of days/months/years? I have and I do right now. Part of me wants to just skip all this, but the other part knows it is necessary for my personal growth. There is a purpose in each day, even though some days hurt more than others. If I could fast forward, I probably would regret doing it. Tomorrow may hold something beautiful and new and refreshing and if I fast forwarded I would miss it. I can only hope that each day will get easier. I know it will.

I like to think of my life as one big canvas that is work in progress. God is painting the picture and he chooses what colors and brushes and strokes to use. I have to trust that he has the finished product in mind. Some parts of my canvas are darker and rougher than others. I feel like those are the parts that are being painted right now. After God is finished painting those parts, he will move on to the ligher, smoother parts. He may combine the dark with the light and go back and forth and up and down. When it is finished, all the parts will combine to make a masterpiece.

Anger

I am angry. I am allowing myself to be angry. I am angry and hurt and that is ok. I won't be angry forever but I am right now. I usually supress my anger and pretend I'm not, but I just couldn't do that tonight. Thank God for friends that understand me and support me.

Figuring it out

So...funny thing before I actually start the real post...my right calf is now noticably larger than my left calf (b/c of the sprained ankle and walking on crutches). Pretty much the only bruising that is left is on my toes and the back of my calf...random places. It is still swollen a little bit and I still can't bend it very much, but I think it is slowly healing. I'm hoping in a week to be able to walk at least somewhat normally...

So this morning as I was sitting out on my balcony spending some time with God, I realized that most of my quiet times are ususally spent with me trying to figure stuff out. I try so hard to figure out what God is teaching me and why I am in certain circumstances. I think about what it is He is doing in me and what He wants me to do. When I can't figure it out I get a little (or maybe alot) frustrated.

Now, while I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking to figure these things out, also think I have let it consume my time with God. Instead of simply seeking Him, I am seeking answers. I know those answers won't come until God is ready to reveal them to me, so why am I trying so hard? I also know that I may never get all the answers I am seeking. That drives me crazy, but I have to accept it.

The answers will come in God's timing.

Bored

Ok...so I am incredibly bored right now. I am still not able to walk because of my ankle (well I can limp around pretty pathetically...but I shouldn't be) so I have been laying on the couch all morning with my ankle propped up. I think I have watched 4 episodes of Lost which is about my limit. Nobody is home and I'm about to go crazy with boredom so I decided to blog. I have no idea what this blog will turn into becuase I don't really have anything in particular I am wanting to write about. I will just write whatever pops into my head.

After being in Texas for over a week I have considered chopping all my hair off again. I remember why I always wore ponytails or had short hair...it is SO hot and humid! I'm only here for 2 more days so I think I won't do anything rash...I would like to grow out my hair for locks of love. I've tried to do it before but cut it all off before it was long enough.

Oh...Andrea and Danny's wedding was wonderful this past weekend. It is hard to believe they are actually married! Andrea was absolutely gorgeous. I did end having to be on crutches for the wedding. I walked in first and they had a little stool for me to sit in at the front. Standing on one leg for 45 minutes wasn't about to happen! During the recessional I tripped a bit with my crutches and gave everyone a good laugh :) I ditched the crutches during the reception which probably wasn't wise but I was sick of them. I got really good at dancing with one leg. I wasn't about to let my sprained ankle keep me from having a good time.

Speaking of my ankle...I think it is slowly getting better. I still can't bend it or stand straight up on it. When I limp I have to hold my leg out to the side so that my ankle won't bend. It is so graceful looking ;) If I don't see improvement in the next couple of days I will have to see an orthopedic surgeon. I am praying that it will heal and it won't come to that. The pattern of bruising is really weird. My toes are blue and purple and the outside of my leg almost up to my knee is bruised. My dad thinks its just because the blood is draining that way when I prop my leg up.

Well thats all I have to say for now.

Healing

Ok...get ready. I think this is going to be a long one.

This is a time of healing in my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healing is a wonderful thing, but can also bring a new kind of pain. Healing usually requires you to admit that you have lost something in your life and you must learn to accept that.

The most tangible evidence of this in my life is my sprained ankle. This is the physical healing that is going on right now. Now, I can be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my health. I tend to think I'm just fine when I'm not. Four days after I sprained my ankle I decided I did not need my crutches anymore. I refused to admit that I needed them. I hated to be dependent on those things. I did not want to have to ask for help anymore and I decided I would just start walking. Well, that was fine for a day but then I started feeling the effects of it. My ankle was definitely not ready for that. I ended up having to go to the doctor again and he ordered me to stay on crutches for at least another week. He even said I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon if it doesn't heal soon. So...I learned that pretending you are ok when you aren't can cause more pain in the long run.

Now, of course my sprained ankle has caused physical pain, but I've also experienced the pain that comes from the loss of being independent and active. I am normally an extremely active person, but there is only so much you can do on crutches. I would give anything to be able to just run right now. That has been taken away from me though. I've spent this last week reflecting on the spiritual implications of this injury. I think my forced immobility also symbolizes the fact that God wants me to sit and be still before him. I've known for a while that I tend to run away from things I don't want to face. Running away is less painful and is easier. Well I think God is trying to tell me that I can't run away this time. He wants me to deal with some things that I have not wanted to deal with...ever. I'll think about them for a little while and then get frustrated and forget about it. Well, I think now it is time to deal with them for good.

Healing can only happen if you allow it to happen. By walking on my ankle too soon I was not allowing adequate time for it to heal. The same can be said for my emotional pain. By telling myself I am just fine when I really am not, I am not really allowing myself to heal. It is really hard to move on when you are really just faking it. I need to face the truth and accept the pain that goes along with that. Only then can God heal me. Up until this point I have not been ready for that...I'm still not sure if I am. But as long as I stubbornly stay in this place, I will continue to make my healing process so much harder and possibly cause even more pain in the long run.

I don't know why this is so hard for me. I do desire healing. I think that maybe just like I don't like to be dependant on my crutches, I also don't like to be dependant on God. Well, I must be dependant on him in order to heal. He is the only one who can bring true healing. I need to put aside my stubborn will and let him to his work. Now that I've written all this and reflected on it, it is time for me to own it and believe it.

Home

I've been home for 3 days now. There is something about coming home that is so sweet and comforting. I've lived in this same house since I was 2 years old. All my memories are here. When I am home, I can leave the cares of my life behind. For just a few days I can rest in the fact that I am safe and sound with my family. I can pretend I am 5 again, running around in the backyard trying to catch fireflys at night (I can only pretend b/c unfortunately I won't be doing any running for awhile). I can sit out on our back porch on my favorite loveseat and just be. Of course our golden retriever, Neo, will always be there trying to get me to pet him. He never fails to succeed. I am perfectly content as he rests his head on my lap and I stare out into the forest listening to the locusts and enjoying the warm breeze. I make my way over to the hammock and lay there for awhile. Of course, Neo follows.

Back inside, I lay on the couch and enjoy a book while my mom waters the flowers outside and my dad naps. I look at my senior pictures that are displayed on our cabinets and remember my high school years. I remember the people I went to school with and wonder how they are all doing. I can't believe it was 5 years ago that I graduated with such hopes for my future. My life is exactly what I thought it would be, but that is probably a good thing. God had different plans than I did. His plans are always better anyway...

There is something about a perfect Texas summer evening at home that can't be captured in words. The sights, sounds, and smells are all so comforting for me. I am so lucky to have grown up here. I have so many wonderful memories in this house and backyard. I remember the HUGE 4th of July parties we would have here. We used to have a pool back then. We would swim and barbeque and all the kids would run around like crazy and throw water balloons at each other. I remember playing outside in the sprinkler and trying to convince my mom to let me take my barbies in the pool. I remember our gameroom. That was my favorite room to be in when it rained because it had a tin roof. That room has since been torn down and remodled. It used to have a wall-unit air conditioner and my sister and I would always run to it after we took a bath and dry our hair over it. We thought that was so much fun. I miss those days. It is nice to be able to come home and remember though.

Yesterday after church my family and my grandparents ate lunch at Hunan Gardens, on of my favorite Chinese restaurants. We used to go there all the time after church. It had been probably almost 3 years since I had eaten there. Then we came home and I laid out in our backyard. I forgot what pure Texas heat feels like. I was sweating after 5 minutes, but it felt good. That evening we all went to the Lissie ice cream social. Lissie is where my family's rice farm is located. I have many fond memories there as well. My grandma's church was hosting the social. Imagine 10 or 15 different flavors of homemade ice-cream! I sat down with my grandma's peach ice-cream and watched as young and old enjoyed ice-cream together. There was a little puppy running around that was getting passed around. There were babies crawling around with their moms keeping a close eye out. It was a lovely evening.

Today I had lunch at my other grandma's house. She is a wonderful cook. I sat at the kitchen table and looked out the window watching the towels on the clothesline flap in the wind. There were fresh haybales in the field that gave the air a touch of sweetness. I reflected on how blessed I was to be there and what a wonderful childhood I have had. I love living in Denver and am enjoying my life there, but there will never be any place like home. I don't know that I will ever live in East Bernard again, but I will always look forward to visits.

God's Timing

Why is it that I am always surprised by God's faithfulness? He is always faithful, yet somehow I forget. He comes through every time just when I most need it. His timing is perfect and flawless.

This morning started out rough for me. I woke up and remembered what was going on in my life and looked at my blue and green swollen ankle and knew it would not be a good day. I knew I needed to deal with some things with God and I wasn't excited about it. I sat down in my big comfy chair and just let myself be sad. I listened to Tenth Avenue North's "By Your Side" for about the millioneth time in the last week and just let it all out. I let myself cry for as long as I needed to. I listened to that song 4 times in a row before I started really beleiving the words. Accepting God's unconditional love is hard for me. I'm working on that.

Well right as I was just about finished with my cry fest my phone rings. It was one of my old roommates, Brittany, who is amazing. She had been reading my blog and felt led to call me. Well, the timing could not have been more perfect. God knew I needed someone to talk to right at that very moment and Brittany was the perfect person. While I was on the phone with her another friend called to check on me and see how I was doing. I called him back and he rescued me from my apartment and we ended up hanging out all afternoon and had some great conversation.

After we hung out I came back to my apartment and journaled for a while. I felt much more at peace than I did when I woke up this morning. I knew that God had provided for me today. I was in awe of how much my attitude had changed since this morning. After journaling I had dinner with another friend and then went to Bible study. Again, God provided. We had a great Bible study and I got to know some new people. I felt that God was moving and providing some new ideas and people for our study. I had been wanting that for awhile.

I ended the evening by watching "So you Think you can Dance" with some awesome people. I just got home and plopped back down on the very chair I started out in this morning and decided to blog. My day ended up completely different than I originally thought it would. What started out as a terrible horrible no good very bad day ended up being a great day. God is so good and I know he will continue to provide for me.

I don't know

I don't know what is going on in my life. I think God has been trying to get my attention. Well, he has it.

I sprained my ankle last night jumping on a trampoline. I've had sprains before, but never this bad. All I can do is sit. I can't even walk without crutches. Sitting alone in my apartment all day makes for some good alone time with God, yet I find myself trying to come up with distractions. I want something to occupy my mind so that I don't have to think about myself anymore. I am so tired of that. I am tired of thinking about what is wrong with me and why I am hurting and why I am running away. I just want to sit and be. I just want to be ok with where I am, but I'm not.

This has been a rough week for me. Running is my outlet. It is what I do when I don't know what to do. I just go run. Well, that is no longer an option for me. Now I have to sit. Maybe this is right where God wants me...sitting still before him. That is hard for me. I sense that he wants to show me or teach me something. Sitting still forces me to think and even feel. I have become very good at blocking emotions lately. I used to be horrible at that, but now I can convince myself that I am fine even when I am not. Maybe it is time for me to feel. I have to let go of some things...things I have been holding on to for much too long. These things from my past have just been weighing me down.

It is time to turn the page.

Understanding

Understanding is something that is very important to me. I like to understand what is going on in my life and why it is going on. I am realizing that sometimes understanding doesn't come. Maybe I am not meant to understand it. Maybe I will understand it later. I am learning to trust that God has his reasons. I don't have to understand them, but I wish I could. It is really hard to understand pain and hurt. I beleive that he is at work in that pain and hurt though. Somehow, someway he will use it in my life for good. I don't understand how right now, but maybe he will reveal that to me someday.

By Your Side

Tenth Avenue North- By Your Side

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

'Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Freedom and Responsibility

Where is the balance between freedom and responsibility? I feel like this has come up several times in the past couple of days. It has come in different forms, but I feel that it all comes down to that question. I feel like this semester God has shown me the freedom available to me, but I am realizing that with that freedom comes responsibility. It is not something I really wanted to think about it. I also am afraid of judgment from others on my freedom. I experienced that just now. It hurt because it was partially true, but also said naively. Sometimes it is easier just to not think about it...but I know i need to.

Friends

Tonight I got some much needed girl time in. It wasn't planned or intentional, but God knew I needed it. I am so thankful to have friends I can go to and tell them my innermost thoughts and know that they will speak truth to me. I love knowing that they will not judge me. I can tell them anything. Freedom like that feels good. I know I can do the same with my God...my unconditionally loving God. The problem is that I have not been doing such a great job of that lately. That kind of hit me in the face tonight. So...tommorrow I am going to the mountians for the day and turning my cell phone off. Towards the end of the semseter I had promised myself I would do that soon after school ended. Well I will not put it off any longer. I need a day to myself in God's creation to stop and reflect and listen to my Daddy.

Summertime!!

School is out and the summer is here! I can't believe we have only been out of school for one week because it seems like alot longer than that. Already I have had soooo much fun! I am looking forward to this summer more than any other. I have an amazing group of friends to share it with and I live in COLORADO!! You really can't beat Colorado summers. I am looking forward to hiking, camping, backpacking, laying by the pool, floating the river and laying around just because I can. After a very stressful and emotional semester, I am in need of this break.

I was looking back through my journals this morning and I realized that exactly one year ago today I arrived in Denver with my parents. Gosh that seems like a long time ago. Sooooooo much has changed in the past year. I have changed ALOT in the past year, especially the past 5 months. I am so excited to see what God is going to continue to do in my life here in Colorado. He has been so faithful and I have seen a different side of God this past semester. I am interested to see how He will continue to grow and change my faith.

Today

Today was a great day. All is as it should be right now.

Family

I just got off the phone with my mom. Man am I lucky to have such an amazing family. (I love you mom!) She really encouraged me right when I needed it. She loved my creative project and said she couldn't believe that she was my mother. I thought that was quite funny. The older I get, the more I realize I am like my mom. She is really funny and I think I have inherited her sense of humor.

I've been thinking about family alot lately because I am writing a 25 page paper about my development. I've had to dig back into alot of memories to really investigate what played the biggest parts in my development. There are wayyyy too many things to name and I could write way more than 25 pages about my development.

Ok, I am going to get a little nerdy here and start talking about some stuff I've learned in class. Sorry if this bores you, but it absolutely fascinates me. One of the theories I am using in this paper is called Attachment Theory. It is all about how we form attachments to our primary caregivers when we are young. There are 3 kinds of attachments you can form, one of which is the secure attachment. I fall in this category, but also display some characteristics of the other attachments, anxious and ambivalent. I won't go too much further in depth because it is a complex theory and once I start writing about it I could go on forever.

Anyways...the reason I explained all that is because I have been thinking about how blessed I truly am to have such an amazing family. I had pretty much a fairytale childhood compared to some people I know. My parents were always able to provide for us and were always very supportive of their kids. Now of course, I had issues, and I still do, but in the big scheme of things I am pretty darn lucky.

The downside of having such a blessed and "easy" life is that when I see pain and suffering in other's lives, I tend to feel guilty that I've had such a good life. I know, to some of you that may seem totally ridiculous, but it is something I struggle with. I grew up in a very small town and was always taken care of. My parents provided safety and security for me. Going away to college opened my eyes. Not everyone is so lucky. Why is that? I have no idea. I don't know why God chose to place me in such an amazing family while others have to suffer so much. I don't think I'll ever have an answer to that question.

I also fear judgement from people who have suffered. I am afraid that they will resent me because of how good I had it. I am still working through all of this, so this may not come out making a whole lot of sense. I am just starting to realize the role that judgement has played in my development both spiritually and emotionally. I feel that I have been judged alot by various different people and I am just now seeing how much of an effect that has had on my identity. It is amazing how much a person changes becuase they fear judgement. What if we lived in a world where nobody judged? Do you think people would feel free to be themselves? I know I would.

I have a whoooollllleeeee lot more thoughts on all of this, but this post is already getting kind of long so I'll stop here. I would love to talk about this with anyone who is interested. These subjects have really caught my attention this semester and I'd love to bounce some ideas off anyone who is interested!

Prodigal Son Creative Project

For my Biblical Interpretation class I had to pick a passage and write a paper about it. After studying the passage I also had to find a way to creativly express it. I pick the parable of the prodigal son, Luke 15:11-32. This was my final creative project. I really enjoyed making it.

Remembering Marybeth

As the anniversary to Marybeth's passing draws nearer, I wanted to take some time to remember some things about her. Marybeth was my potluck roommate my freshman year of college. I remember meeting her for the first time. I had moved into our dorm first and spent a couple days alone. I was so relieved when she finally arrived. It was late at night and she was with her brother Andy. I even remember what she was wearing...jeans, a pink sleeveless top and a colorful scarf as a belt. That was the beginning of a special friendship.

Marybeth and I had a lot of fun together our freshman year. She was so friendly and outgoing. I remember she called everyone "kiddo." One of my favorite memories of Marybeth is when we decided to get a pet for our dorm room. Our dorms wouldn't allow any pets except fish, but Marybeth being the "rebel" she was, decided we could secretly have a hampster. We went to the pet store to check out the hampsters. After seeing how expensive it would be to buy all the stupid hampster stuff, we settled on two 99 cent goldfish. We named them Herman and Milton and joked that they were "the men in our lives." We managed to keep them alive for a whole semester! Eventually one of them starting growing mold or something on it (there were suddenly black spots all over it) and they died. We bought little fish charms and put them on necklaces to remember them. If you look closely in this picture you can see them.

Some other random memories of Marybeth:

Our first semester we were determined not to gain the "freshman 15." I mean, we were kind of obsessive about it. It's quite funny to look back on now because neither of us were even close to being overweight. We both had a pair of jeans that we almost fit into, but needed to lose a few pounds to look good in. We thumb-tacked them to our dorm room wall as inspiration. I don't think I ever fit into mine...I'm pretty sure she eventually did. She was much healthier than me :)

I remember the first time I heard her sing. I knew she was a music major and supposedly could sing well, but I had no idea how well. I remember we were in the car and she was singing to come country song and I was like "Woa! Marybeth!" She could sing better than anyone I know.

Marybeth and I had a tradition of going to Cheddars and only ordering appetizers and desserts. Yes, I know, we were sooo healthy. We would always get a cookie monster as one of the desserts....and we always felt miserable after the whole thing was gone.

I remember when she gave me the book "Beautiful in God's Eyes." At the time I was really struggling with my self-image and she had read this book and said it was really helpful. I was touched by her gesture.

I remember Marybeth always talking about how she was going to fail some paper or test or something, and then always ended up doing wonderfully. Marybeth was extremely smart. I remember her talking about wanting to change her major about 395343 times!

For some reason, Marybeth and I always liked to take pictures with us pretending to be really storng. We would show our muscles and make funny faces. Here are some examples. I know, our muscles are kind of pathetic, but we though we were pretty funny.

Marybeth was an extraordinary person. She impacted so many people in her short life. After our freshman year we didn't live together again, but would still have lunch together occasionaly and catch-up on each other's lives. We had a special connection and enjoyed deep, meaningful converstations. I will leave you with a video clip that captures Marybeth's personality. Disclaimer: We sometimes talked in funny voices to each other....so know that we don't normally talk this way :)

Impact

Today has been an emotionally exhausting day...mainly because I have been analyzing my life all day (for a paper...so its ok). I am writing self-reflective paper for my Human Development and Counseling Theories class. Twenty-five pages all about me and my problems...basically. Looking into my past and evaluating why I have turned out how I am now is emotionally exhausting. I like it though. When I am finished with this paper I will be one step closer to figuring myself out.

Another reason this day was emotional is becuase I went to The Crossing this evening for a going away party for myself and a few others that are leaving. I interned/worked at The Crossing for almost a year and really grew to love the people there, especially the kids. I officially stopped working there about 3 or 4 weeks ago and tonight was my first time back since then. All the kids ran up to me and hugged me as if I had never been gone. It melted my heart.

I love the innocence of a child. They have such a huge capacity to love. Most of these kids have been through more in their 5 or 6 years than I have in my whole life, yet they still are able to love. Several of the kids ran up to me and wanted me to hold them. I love holding children. As I was holding one little girl she was playing with my hair and tracing her fingers along my face. She was absolutely beautiful. While I was holding her, Joe, my old boss prayed aloud for those of us who were leaving. She laid her head on my shoulder as we prayed. I will never forget that moment.

Tonight I was also reminded of how much of an impact the smallest gesture or conversation can make. You may not realize it at the time, but it's there. I know being in ministry is hard, especially when you don't see the fruits of your labor. Be encouraged- you are making an impact. As part of the going away party, people had an opportunity to get up and saying a few words about those of us who were leaving. As I listened to people speak I was struck by how thankful and appreciative everyone was of us. Some of the smallest things we did made a huge impression. For these people, just taking the time to listen, really listen, was huge. It was encouraging and uplifting to hear people share their thoughts.

Is there someone in your life who has left an impression? Maybe it was a piece of advice they gave, or a shoulder to cry on, or just someone who took the time to care. I would encourage you to let that person know how you appreciate them. Call, write a letter, email...whatever. My personal favorite is writing letters. About 6 months ago I was thinking about a few people from Pine Cove, a summer camp I worked at in college, had really impacted me. I knew that these peole had no idea how much they affected me. I thought it would be encouraging for them to hear what I learned from them. I hadn't spoken to any of them in over a year, but that didn't really matter. I wrote them letters thanking them and explaining what a blessing they had been in my life. It was so cool to be able to do that. I think I probably enjoyed writing the letters more than they enjoyed getting them.

I could write much much more about all of this, but this has gotten long enough so I will stop now. I'd love to hear any thoughts yall have on all of this.

Change

I just went on a walk down by the South Platte River. I needed to take a break from the library and spend some time with God. As I was walking I asked God to teach me something through his creation. I think if we take time to notice the beauty and magnificence of what He made, we can learn alot about our Creator.

Immediately after I asked God this, I noticed how much wider and faster the river was since I had taken my last walk, a little over a week ago. I passed by the dam that I used to walk out on and sit. Well, that would have been impossible this time unless I wanted to go for a swim.

It struck me how fast things change. Only a couple of weeks ago I was able to walk out on that dam. Then I started noticing all the other changes going on in nature. Everything is so much greener and the trees are starting to bloom. Even the sounds were different. The river was louder. I could hear frogs and locusts. So many things had changed within just a few weeks.

I started thinking about how many changes I have experienced in my life over the past year. There have been quite a few. I graduated from college, experienced the death of a friend, said goodbye to everyone I knew and moved to Denver where I knew nobody, made new friends with the summer interns, said goodbye to them, got my first real job, started seminary, quit my first real job...and those are just the highlights. I won't even go into all the smaller changes that have happened.

Looking back on all these changes, I can see God at work in each one of them. He used those changes to move me forward, closer to where He wants me. Some of these changes were wanted, and others were unwanted. Regardless, God used them. I have come to believe that change is a healthy thing. Change can bring amount tremendous amounts of personal growth. I know it has in my case. I now try to embrace change. I like to shake things up and try new things. It makes life way more exciting.

I think resisting change can be damaging in the long run. You will miss out on alot if you refuse to change. Clinging to things in your past makes it really hard to move forward. I've learned that lesson the hard way. Actually, I am still learning that.

Change can come suddenly, gradually, expected, or unexpected. However things change in my life, I choose to learn from them. I have no idea what other changes God has in store for me, but I am excited to find out.

Laughter

I LOVE to laugh. I love when I laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. Its a great ab workout. I also love to try to make others laugh. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I used to not think I was funny (well I secretly did, but I didn't think anybody else did). This semester I have discovered that I actually am very funny when I want to be...and others seem to agree. This is just another piece to my whole identity discovery journey thing.

How often do you find yourself laughing? I hope the answer is alot. You just can't take life too seriously. I mean, of course there are times when laughter is not appropriate, but you know what I mean.

Laughter is one of my favorite sounds. There are sooo many kinds. I have several different laughs. My friends can attest to this. I have that one squeaky one, and unfortunately the snorting laugh. That just makes me laugh even more. Laughter is so contagious and so pure. It comes from deep inside and is a wonderful expression of joy. I think God loves to see us laugh. I bet he is laughing along with us. I like to imagine that God has a sense of humor and laughs alot.

So..try to make someone laugh today. I sure will.

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." - E.E. Cummings

Balance

I had a great weekend. There were many things that made it great, one of them being playing fish bowl two nights in a row. If you would like to learn how to play this game, please ask me. You won't be sorry.

Anyway, fish bowl isn't what this post is about. It is about balance. Balancing the emotional, spiritual, physical, social and mental aspects of seminary has not been an easy task. This semester I have found myself going from one extreme to the other, only to find myself exhausted because I can't find balance. At first I was all about the social and academic parts of seminary. Anytime I got invited anywhere, I was there. I also was doing a great job of keeping up with all my schoolwork and even finishing things early (gosh that seems like a long time ago). While this was fine for a while, I found myself spiritually thirsty. So, I made a much bigger effort to spend more time with my maker. This helped...ALOT.

In the meantime, I was still busting my little booty to do all my schoolwork and do it well. I slowly but surely began to fall behind in the millions of pages of reading we are required to do. I remember one day in particular when I had a mini meltdown about all my schoolwork. The stress had gotten to me and I kind of wanted to just give up. I had no idea how I was supposed to get it all done. I changed my strategy to just working on one thing at a time. Instead of looking at what was due 3 weeks from now, I was just looking at the upcoming week. That helped alot.

With 3 weeks left to go and 3 major projects/papers and a final left to go, I find myself strangely calm. I have realized that it is just not worth the stress. I somehow seem to always get everything done, so why worry about it? I may not give 100% effort on every assignment, and I am ok with that. I want to be sane when I graduate. I focus on the assingments that I believe will be most beneficial to my future couseling career. I have come one step closer in learning this whole balancing act.

Back to the beginning of this post...the whole reason my weekend was great is because it was balanced. I did some schoolwork, did alot of hanging out with great friends and spent some great alone time with God. Past weekends have been filled with allllll schoolwork. That is lame. I am not lame anymore....hopefully. I know I will continue to teeter and totter on this balance beam that is seminary, but hopefully I will fall off less and less.

Of course I can't take credit for learning all of this. God has shown me all of this and I trust that he will continue to help me find balance in my life. He has been a great teacher so far and I have no reason to doubt him!

Welcome!

Hello!

Those of you who have known me long enough know that I have tried blogs in the past, but I never seem to be able to keep up with them. Well, here I go again. I love to share with people what is going on in my life and most importantly, what God is revealing to me. In the past I've had funny blogs and serious blogs and totally random blogs. I have no idea what this one will be....probably a bit of everything.



I titled this blog "freedom" (notice the quotes all you fellow BI classmates!) because that seems to be what God has been teaching me this semester...how to be free. He has also be showing me how to find the beauty in each and every moment. It's there...sometimes you just have to open your eyes. Instead of wondering what my life is going to be like in 2 years, I am choosing to enjoy exactly where my life is now. I am learning to meet people where they are and not where I think they should be or would like them to be. Afterall, who am I to judge that anyway? I have learned to accept people as they are, and most importantly, to accept myself as I am. That is where the freedom is. I can't say that I have figured this out all by myself...not even close.



God has surrounded me with people that have taught me these things. I can tell when people feel free. There is nothing more refreshing. Seeing others comfortable in their own skin helped me to be comfortable in mine. Letting people see the real me has never come very easy for me. I thought that the real me was somehow never enough. My eyes have been opened to that lie. I have never felt more alive than I have these past couple of months. There are alot of variables that have gone into that, but I know the biggest one has been this whole freedom thing.



Getting to this point has had its ups and downs...and I know there are more ups and downs to come, but I am ready. I've never felt so ready. God is working and that is exciting. I think this picture is a great representation of my past 3 months.