Freedom and Responsibility

Where is the balance between freedom and responsibility? I feel like this has come up several times in the past couple of days. It has come in different forms, but I feel that it all comes down to that question. I feel like this semester God has shown me the freedom available to me, but I am realizing that with that freedom comes responsibility. It is not something I really wanted to think about it. I also am afraid of judgment from others on my freedom. I experienced that just now. It hurt because it was partially true, but also said naively. Sometimes it is easier just to not think about it...but I know i need to.

Friends

Tonight I got some much needed girl time in. It wasn't planned or intentional, but God knew I needed it. I am so thankful to have friends I can go to and tell them my innermost thoughts and know that they will speak truth to me. I love knowing that they will not judge me. I can tell them anything. Freedom like that feels good. I know I can do the same with my God...my unconditionally loving God. The problem is that I have not been doing such a great job of that lately. That kind of hit me in the face tonight. So...tommorrow I am going to the mountians for the day and turning my cell phone off. Towards the end of the semseter I had promised myself I would do that soon after school ended. Well I will not put it off any longer. I need a day to myself in God's creation to stop and reflect and listen to my Daddy.

Summertime!!

School is out and the summer is here! I can't believe we have only been out of school for one week because it seems like alot longer than that. Already I have had soooo much fun! I am looking forward to this summer more than any other. I have an amazing group of friends to share it with and I live in COLORADO!! You really can't beat Colorado summers. I am looking forward to hiking, camping, backpacking, laying by the pool, floating the river and laying around just because I can. After a very stressful and emotional semester, I am in need of this break.

I was looking back through my journals this morning and I realized that exactly one year ago today I arrived in Denver with my parents. Gosh that seems like a long time ago. Sooooooo much has changed in the past year. I have changed ALOT in the past year, especially the past 5 months. I am so excited to see what God is going to continue to do in my life here in Colorado. He has been so faithful and I have seen a different side of God this past semester. I am interested to see how He will continue to grow and change my faith.

Today

Today was a great day. All is as it should be right now.

Family

I just got off the phone with my mom. Man am I lucky to have such an amazing family. (I love you mom!) She really encouraged me right when I needed it. She loved my creative project and said she couldn't believe that she was my mother. I thought that was quite funny. The older I get, the more I realize I am like my mom. She is really funny and I think I have inherited her sense of humor.

I've been thinking about family alot lately because I am writing a 25 page paper about my development. I've had to dig back into alot of memories to really investigate what played the biggest parts in my development. There are wayyyy too many things to name and I could write way more than 25 pages about my development.

Ok, I am going to get a little nerdy here and start talking about some stuff I've learned in class. Sorry if this bores you, but it absolutely fascinates me. One of the theories I am using in this paper is called Attachment Theory. It is all about how we form attachments to our primary caregivers when we are young. There are 3 kinds of attachments you can form, one of which is the secure attachment. I fall in this category, but also display some characteristics of the other attachments, anxious and ambivalent. I won't go too much further in depth because it is a complex theory and once I start writing about it I could go on forever.

Anyways...the reason I explained all that is because I have been thinking about how blessed I truly am to have such an amazing family. I had pretty much a fairytale childhood compared to some people I know. My parents were always able to provide for us and were always very supportive of their kids. Now of course, I had issues, and I still do, but in the big scheme of things I am pretty darn lucky.

The downside of having such a blessed and "easy" life is that when I see pain and suffering in other's lives, I tend to feel guilty that I've had such a good life. I know, to some of you that may seem totally ridiculous, but it is something I struggle with. I grew up in a very small town and was always taken care of. My parents provided safety and security for me. Going away to college opened my eyes. Not everyone is so lucky. Why is that? I have no idea. I don't know why God chose to place me in such an amazing family while others have to suffer so much. I don't think I'll ever have an answer to that question.

I also fear judgement from people who have suffered. I am afraid that they will resent me because of how good I had it. I am still working through all of this, so this may not come out making a whole lot of sense. I am just starting to realize the role that judgement has played in my development both spiritually and emotionally. I feel that I have been judged alot by various different people and I am just now seeing how much of an effect that has had on my identity. It is amazing how much a person changes becuase they fear judgement. What if we lived in a world where nobody judged? Do you think people would feel free to be themselves? I know I would.

I have a whoooollllleeeee lot more thoughts on all of this, but this post is already getting kind of long so I'll stop here. I would love to talk about this with anyone who is interested. These subjects have really caught my attention this semester and I'd love to bounce some ideas off anyone who is interested!

Prodigal Son Creative Project

For my Biblical Interpretation class I had to pick a passage and write a paper about it. After studying the passage I also had to find a way to creativly express it. I pick the parable of the prodigal son, Luke 15:11-32. This was my final creative project. I really enjoyed making it.

Remembering Marybeth

As the anniversary to Marybeth's passing draws nearer, I wanted to take some time to remember some things about her. Marybeth was my potluck roommate my freshman year of college. I remember meeting her for the first time. I had moved into our dorm first and spent a couple days alone. I was so relieved when she finally arrived. It was late at night and she was with her brother Andy. I even remember what she was wearing...jeans, a pink sleeveless top and a colorful scarf as a belt. That was the beginning of a special friendship.

Marybeth and I had a lot of fun together our freshman year. She was so friendly and outgoing. I remember she called everyone "kiddo." One of my favorite memories of Marybeth is when we decided to get a pet for our dorm room. Our dorms wouldn't allow any pets except fish, but Marybeth being the "rebel" she was, decided we could secretly have a hampster. We went to the pet store to check out the hampsters. After seeing how expensive it would be to buy all the stupid hampster stuff, we settled on two 99 cent goldfish. We named them Herman and Milton and joked that they were "the men in our lives." We managed to keep them alive for a whole semester! Eventually one of them starting growing mold or something on it (there were suddenly black spots all over it) and they died. We bought little fish charms and put them on necklaces to remember them. If you look closely in this picture you can see them.

Some other random memories of Marybeth:

Our first semester we were determined not to gain the "freshman 15." I mean, we were kind of obsessive about it. It's quite funny to look back on now because neither of us were even close to being overweight. We both had a pair of jeans that we almost fit into, but needed to lose a few pounds to look good in. We thumb-tacked them to our dorm room wall as inspiration. I don't think I ever fit into mine...I'm pretty sure she eventually did. She was much healthier than me :)

I remember the first time I heard her sing. I knew she was a music major and supposedly could sing well, but I had no idea how well. I remember we were in the car and she was singing to come country song and I was like "Woa! Marybeth!" She could sing better than anyone I know.

Marybeth and I had a tradition of going to Cheddars and only ordering appetizers and desserts. Yes, I know, we were sooo healthy. We would always get a cookie monster as one of the desserts....and we always felt miserable after the whole thing was gone.

I remember when she gave me the book "Beautiful in God's Eyes." At the time I was really struggling with my self-image and she had read this book and said it was really helpful. I was touched by her gesture.

I remember Marybeth always talking about how she was going to fail some paper or test or something, and then always ended up doing wonderfully. Marybeth was extremely smart. I remember her talking about wanting to change her major about 395343 times!

For some reason, Marybeth and I always liked to take pictures with us pretending to be really storng. We would show our muscles and make funny faces. Here are some examples. I know, our muscles are kind of pathetic, but we though we were pretty funny.

Marybeth was an extraordinary person. She impacted so many people in her short life. After our freshman year we didn't live together again, but would still have lunch together occasionaly and catch-up on each other's lives. We had a special connection and enjoyed deep, meaningful converstations. I will leave you with a video clip that captures Marybeth's personality. Disclaimer: We sometimes talked in funny voices to each other....so know that we don't normally talk this way :)