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Just a few random thoughts

So I just have a few thoughts bouncing around in my head and I wanted to get them out. I went on a women's retreat this weekend in Buena Vista. I decided to go really last minute, but I am glad I did. Most of the women were older than me, but it was good to watch and learn from them. It made me appreciate women even more.

I have been reflecting this semester on what I value. So far, I have come up with a few things that I know I value highly.

1. People. I feel most alive when I am talking one-on-one with someone having a meaningful conversation. This semester I have been trying to be more intentional about making time for those kind of conversations...and being open to them even when it isn't convenient for my "schedule."

2. Wisdom. I have been praying a lot for wisdom this semester. I have come to love Proverbs 8. I desire to be someone who makes wise decisions.

3. Friends who challenge me. I need friends in my life who challenge me. I need friends who can call me on my crap when I am in the wrong. I need friends who are not afraid to risk hurting me in order to help me. I look for this in all relationships.

4. Fun. I LOVE to have fun. I enjoy spontaneity and crazy, silly times. I can only go so long before I need to go do something fun. I love to laugh, especially with other people.

On another note, I have started physical therapy for my ankle. Yeah I know, you are probably thinking "I didn't know you were still having trouble with that" or "I had no idea there was anything wrong with your ankle." If you go back to my June posts you can read all about my ankle injury. Basically, it healed incorrectly and my range of motion is only about 20% of what it should be. I am doing exercises to help get my range of motion back. They are very simple things that you would probably not even think of as exercises...but they are very painful for me. My chiropractor said she hasn't seen an ankle as bad as mine in a very long time...awesome...NOT. I am hoping and praying that these exercises will help me get back to normal in time for summer. It is a very slow and painful process, but I know it will be worth it in the end. If you think about it, I would appreciate any prayers for this. If these exercises don't work I am afraid something more drastic may have to happen...surgery. Yikes.

Investments

I was just about to listen to a church history lecture online, but I felt I needed to write here instead. This morning I had a wonderful, but unexpected discussion with my 2 best girlfriends here in Denver. It is so good to be able to support one another when times get hard. God has blessed me immensely by these two women. They have pursued me as a friend even when I wanted to, and did, push them away. They have shown me Christ in their pursuit of me. How humbled and blessed I am.

God has put them, and other women in my life, to invest in me. I have reached a point where I love investing in them as well. This has pushed me to grow spiritually in so many ways. Letting these women see me and really know me (not just know about me) has produced so much spiritual growth in my life. Because they know me, they can challenge me and love me all at the same time.

For so long I would not let women (with a few exceptions) really get to know me. I have been hurt by females in my past and I have carried that baggage with me for a long time. I internalized a lot of things I've experienced from females in my past, but I am now coming to realize that not everyone is like they were. My female friendships have blessed me in far richer and different ways than my male friendships have. (I may be opening up can of worms with that statement, but that is ok). I have come to firmly believe that you NEED strong same-sex friendships in your life...and not just friendships, but friends that you can invest in and that can invest in you. Male/female friendship are just fine and dandy but there are some boundaries that I think definitely need to be put in place. I think the deep stuff, the intimate stuff, needs to be shared with same-sex friends....otherwise boundaries get crossed and things just get confusing. I think romantic relationships are the exception to that. It has taken me 23 years to realize that.

Who are you investing in? Who is investing in you? Are there people in your life that push you towards spiritual maturity instead of away from it? Find those people and hold onto them.

Satisfied

This week I realized something. A prayer has been answered....a prayer from this past summer. I will explain exactly what prayer was answered later.

I remember a couple of months ago a friend asked me what is something in my life that has been a continual struggle for me. The answer came into my head right away but I tried my best to think of a different answer. I did not like the one that I knew was true. I eventually admitted what it was...dependency.

The reason that was so hard for me to admit was because I really didn't like that about myself...at all. I did not like that I felt so dependent on people rather than on God. Ever since I became aware of this struggle I have shied away from that topic. I've been hurt by it and it hurts me to think about it. That is what happens when you find your self-worth in other people.

This past summer I started to become painfully aware of how this struggle was hindering me spiritually and emotionally. I remember admitting this to some friends while on the brink of tears. I knew that I needed to start some serious work in this area. I wanted to be able to say that God was enough. Here is part of a previous blog entry about this from September of last year:

"For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him."

Since I wrote that entry, God has done quite a bit in my life, especially in the past month and a half. I realized 3 days ago that this prayer has been answered. God has brought me to a place where I am completely satisfied in Him. It is the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that God is enough. I don't want or need anything else. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and it has absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. It has everything to do with God.

Since God has brought me to this place I feel that I am able to love people in a healthy way rather than in a needy way. Instead of looking to my friends to fulfill me and give me value, I look at them as a precious gift that God has given me. I want to love them like God loves me.

Head, Heart, or Gut?

I'd like to share something that I've been trying to process for some time now. I am still in the process of figuring all this out and this blog is a means of doing that. Basically, the question is: should I think with my head, my heart, or my gut? Now of course it is not a simple question and everyone answers it differently.

By heart, I mean emotions. It's not a perfect analogy, but it is just want comes to mind when I think of my emotions. They tie very closely in with my heart and what is going on there. I tend to be a pretty emotional person. This does not always show, but trust me, I know. My emotions sometimes drive me absolutely crazy. I believe God gave the ability to feel emotions for a reason. They aren't just random and without cause. I also believe that emotions can be dangerous if they are acted on rashly. I know this because I have experienced the repercussions of acting purely out of emotion. I believe within emotions, there is some truth, but it needs to be balanced with rational thought.

So...by head, I mean rational thought. I am realllllyyy good at analyzing things from a million different angles. I used to often overthink things. In the past I have blocked out emotion and instead relied only on my head to make decisions. This can also be very dangerous. To block out emotion is to deny yourself of a crucial part of your identity. I believe by relying completely on your head to make decisions, you slowly kill a part of yourself.

To make this matter even more complicated, there is that whole "gut" factor. I think you all know what I am talking about. Sometimes you just get a feeling in your gut that tells you what to do. It does not always seem rational, but it oftentimes just seems right for some reason. Where does that feeling come from? I don't know. It could be the Holy Spirit, the Enemy, or just your own self. I was talking with my mentor about all of this today and she said something about whether or not the feeling points toward God. I think that is an excellent question to ask yourself when trying to determine where that "gut" feeling is coming from.

So I've been trying to figure out where exactly I stand on all of this. Well, I guess I am somewhere in the middle. Yeah I know, that doesn't say much. I think you need to use your emotions as a guide, but you also need to balance them with rational thought. My thoughts on all of this are still forming, and I would welcome anyone else's thoughts on all of this.

Loving People

Relationships are important to me. I crave good, deep and strong relationships with people. I feel that God is urging me to really invest in the relationships around me. Last year I did a very poor job of that. I much more more focused on myself than on others. I am afraid that some people got hurt in this process. Well...no more...

God has renewed a passion in me to care for and love my friends, especially the ones I failed to care for over the last year. I feel like God is filling me up so that I may pour into others. I feel most satisfied and joyful after I have spent quality time investing in someone's life. I want to make a point to be more intentional with the time God gives me with my friends. Of course not every moment spent with them needs to be loaded with serious conversation. I value the fun and crazy times as well.

God has also renewed in me the desire to pray. Last year my prayer life was sorely lacking. God has brought me back to a point where I enjoy and value prayer in my life. I know of a couple of people who regularly pray for me and I am so grateful for that. I know it has made a difference in my life.

All in all, I can feel God moving in my life in a big way. Already in this new year He has brought me so much healing. I sense He is moving me into a new season that I am very excited about. I haven't been this excited about God in awhile. It feels amazing. I start my 3rd semester of seminary in less than a week. I am ready. I am so blessed to be able to be pursing my calling and passion for counseling. This semester will take me one step closer that that. :)

2010!!!

In case you haven't noticed, it is 2010. Wow. How time flies. I love the beginning of a new year. It is a time of reflection on the past year and expectation for the coming year. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on 2009 lately.

This time last year I was moving from Denver to Littleton and getting ready to start seminary. That seems like 10 years ago, not just one. I remember I was so expectant and excited to see what seminary was going to be like. I was nervous about making friends and my classes. Well, almost right away I had a wonderful group of friends. I LOVED my classes.

Throughout the year I experienced a lot of pain related to my past and to my present. As I dove into the counseling program, I was forced to take a closer look at myself. As I formed close relationships, I made myself vulnerable to getting hurt. One thing seemed to pile on another and I found myself sinking. I was broken and hurting, yet in the midst of it all I was learning.

During the summer I hit a low. June was the worst month of the year for me. From there, God began healing me. I hit more ups and downs, but could sense that God was working. This past semester absolutely flew by for me. I still can't believe it is over. I did a lot of reflecting on the changes that had happened in me since I started seminary. I thought about what changes I liked and what changes I didn't like. I began to understand exactly where I was in the midst of all the changes.

2009 came to an end and now 2010 is year. I am hopeful. I am expectant. I think it will be a much different year than 2009 was. I am starting fresh. I am ready to see what God has in store for me. Stay tuned to find out :)