For Renee

For those of you who don't know, I have a younger sister named Renee. She is 20 years old and is a junior in college. This post is for her. It's probably going to be a long one. Read the whole thing. The end is the best part.

Since I have been home I have been struggling with something. I really really need to let go of something. In case you haven't noticed based on previous blogs, this is a hard thing for me to do...let go. It was really bothering me today. I kept thinking about it and I kind of let it ruin my day. I decided to take a relaxing bath and go to bed early and just hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

While I was getting ready for bed, I started thinking about how much harder this all would be if I didn't have people in my life that were there for me. I started thinking through all the people that have really stuck by me. There were a few that really stuck out. One of them was my sister, Renee. The rest of this post is going to be all about her.

Renee is 3 years younger than me. Growing up, we played together all the time. We played barbies and dollies and house. I would boss her around and make her do things....and she would. That is the power of being the older sister. As we grew older we still got along pretty well, but I had my own friends I became more concerned with. When I got into high school I became alot busier and spent less and less time with her.

She was still always there for me though. I would talk to her about my boy problems and she would listen so attentively. I didn't realize it at the time, but she really looked up to me. I would come to realize this later. When she got into high school, I was a senior. We grew a little closer that year because we shared a few of the same friends and were involved in some of the same things at school. I graduated and got out of East Bernard as fast as I possibly could. I wanted to leave this small town behind me and move on to new places. (I don't necessarily feel that way anymore).

When I went away to college, Renee and I actually grew closer. I think being away from her made me realize how much I took her for granted. This is also about when I started realizing that Renee looked up to me. Everything I did was setting an example for her. I remember realizng this and wanting to make sure I set a good example for her.

Well lets fast forward another 3 years to when Renee got into college. She decided to go to Texas A&M, and I happened to be a senior there! I was so excited to get to share one year of college together with my sister. I was living in a house and she was living in the dorms. Renee is an extremely friendly and outgoing person, so she had no trouble making friends. She would still come over and visit her older sister though :)

Throughout her first year of college, Renee had some rough experiences. She would come to me for help. There were times when I felt completely helpless, but I would just hold her as she cried. Those months were some of the hardest of her life, along with mine. I so badly wanted to help her, but I had to trust God to do that. I was bonded to her through those times. I can't really even explain the bond that was formed. I wanted to protect her from the world and everything bad. I would cry just thinking about her. I loved her so much. I remember thinking that if I loved her that much, how much more does God love her?

There were also times my senior year that Renee was there for me. I remember one night in particular. I really needed her to be there with me. I was hurting and I didn't want to be alone. I called her and she came over. I cried myself to sleep and she slept right beside me. (Luckily I had a queen sized bed...but even if I didn't, she still would have squeezed in with me. We've done it before). That brought me great comfort.

As my senior year came to an end, I was getting ready to move to Denver for an internship. I was also faced with the decision between going to Denver Seminary or Dallas Theological Seminary. As I was trying to make my decision, I couldn't help but think about how far away from Renee I would be if I chose Denver. I agonized over it. I felt so protective of her and wanted to be able to drive and see her anytime I wanted to. In the end, I felt God leading me to Denver. I knew I had to trust him to take care of my Renee.

Since then, our relationship has changed. Renee is so strong and so mature. She has done just fine without me there with her. Since moving away, I have been the one that has needed to just cry on her shoulder. I know that Renee has looked up to me her whole life, but what I want to tell her is that I look up to her just as much or more than she looks up to me. Renee has such incredible wisdom for her 20 years. She is more mature than any 20 year old I know and has always given me good advice. I have looked to her for solid footing more this past year than she has looked to me.

Renee is full of life and passion. She sings and dances her way through the house and brings a smile to everyone. She has always been that way. She is also very funny. She has a unique sense of humor that her friends recognize and appreciate. She also has such a huge capacity to love. She wants to make this world a better place for those who are victims of injustice. I have absolutely no doubt that she will. Renee is going to do great things in her life. I know it.

Renee, I love you. You know me better than anyone. You know when I'm lying and when I'm hurting. You know when to just hug me and when to make me talk. I have loved growing up with you. I loved when you would leave me notes on my bed to tell me how much you loved me. I saved all of them. I loved all the letters you wrote me while I was away at Pine Cove. I saved those too. I love coming home knowing I will get to see you.

I can't wait to see where the Lord takes both of us. I'm just glad to know you will always be there with me. Thank you for always loving me.

Encouragement

Every time I come home I always go to my closet and pull out all my old stuff from elementary all the way through college. I love looking through it all and remembering those times. My room is a mess right now because I have all my memorabilia spread all over the floor.

Tonight I decided to go through my box with all my old Pine Cove stuff in it. Pine Cove was a Christian family camp I worked at for 3 summers in college. It was a really stretching and good experience for me. I learned alot about myself and God during those summers. Those summers were very intense spiritually, emotionally and physically. There were times when I hated it and times when I loved it. Each summer was a completely different experience for me, but the one thing that was reinforced in me each summer was that I needed to die to myself.

Going through all my Pine Cove stuff reminded me of that. I desperately need to die to myself and lay my wants and desires at the feet of Jesus. There are a few things I just keep holding onto that are really hard to let go of. I know I need to give them to him and trust that He will work it all out for my good.

I was also greatly encouraged by going through all that stuff. Most of my old Pine Cove stuff is letters and notes of encouragement from my campers or fellow counselors. Almost every day at camp I would get a note from somebody encouraging me with a kind word or a Bible verse. It became so commonplace that I took it for granted. I saved all of them. There are so many that I couldn't even read them all. I would have been up all night if I had tried to read them all. To read those notes 4 or 5 years later was soooo good. It reminded me how much I appreciate encouragement. It also reminded me how little I encourage others. That is something I want to work on.

I don't really keep up with anyone that I worked with at Pine Cove. I see updates on facebook from time to time so I know what some of them are up to now. Many of them are married. If any of my fellow pine cove counselors are reading this I wish you all well! Thanks for all the encouragement during camp. I'd love to hear from any of you anytime! :)