Investments

I was just about to listen to a church history lecture online, but I felt I needed to write here instead. This morning I had a wonderful, but unexpected discussion with my 2 best girlfriends here in Denver. It is so good to be able to support one another when times get hard. God has blessed me immensely by these two women. They have pursued me as a friend even when I wanted to, and did, push them away. They have shown me Christ in their pursuit of me. How humbled and blessed I am.

God has put them, and other women in my life, to invest in me. I have reached a point where I love investing in them as well. This has pushed me to grow spiritually in so many ways. Letting these women see me and really know me (not just know about me) has produced so much spiritual growth in my life. Because they know me, they can challenge me and love me all at the same time.

For so long I would not let women (with a few exceptions) really get to know me. I have been hurt by females in my past and I have carried that baggage with me for a long time. I internalized a lot of things I've experienced from females in my past, but I am now coming to realize that not everyone is like they were. My female friendships have blessed me in far richer and different ways than my male friendships have. (I may be opening up can of worms with that statement, but that is ok). I have come to firmly believe that you NEED strong same-sex friendships in your life...and not just friendships, but friends that you can invest in and that can invest in you. Male/female friendship are just fine and dandy but there are some boundaries that I think definitely need to be put in place. I think the deep stuff, the intimate stuff, needs to be shared with same-sex friends....otherwise boundaries get crossed and things just get confusing. I think romantic relationships are the exception to that. It has taken me 23 years to realize that.

Who are you investing in? Who is investing in you? Are there people in your life that push you towards spiritual maturity instead of away from it? Find those people and hold onto them.

Satisfied

This week I realized something. A prayer has been answered....a prayer from this past summer. I will explain exactly what prayer was answered later.

I remember a couple of months ago a friend asked me what is something in my life that has been a continual struggle for me. The answer came into my head right away but I tried my best to think of a different answer. I did not like the one that I knew was true. I eventually admitted what it was...dependency.

The reason that was so hard for me to admit was because I really didn't like that about myself...at all. I did not like that I felt so dependent on people rather than on God. Ever since I became aware of this struggle I have shied away from that topic. I've been hurt by it and it hurts me to think about it. That is what happens when you find your self-worth in other people.

This past summer I started to become painfully aware of how this struggle was hindering me spiritually and emotionally. I remember admitting this to some friends while on the brink of tears. I knew that I needed to start some serious work in this area. I wanted to be able to say that God was enough. Here is part of a previous blog entry about this from September of last year:

"For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him."

Since I wrote that entry, God has done quite a bit in my life, especially in the past month and a half. I realized 3 days ago that this prayer has been answered. God has brought me to a place where I am completely satisfied in Him. It is the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that God is enough. I don't want or need anything else. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and it has absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. It has everything to do with God.

Since God has brought me to this place I feel that I am able to love people in a healthy way rather than in a needy way. Instead of looking to my friends to fulfill me and give me value, I look at them as a precious gift that God has given me. I want to love them like God loves me.

Head, Heart, or Gut?

I'd like to share something that I've been trying to process for some time now. I am still in the process of figuring all this out and this blog is a means of doing that. Basically, the question is: should I think with my head, my heart, or my gut? Now of course it is not a simple question and everyone answers it differently.

By heart, I mean emotions. It's not a perfect analogy, but it is just want comes to mind when I think of my emotions. They tie very closely in with my heart and what is going on there. I tend to be a pretty emotional person. This does not always show, but trust me, I know. My emotions sometimes drive me absolutely crazy. I believe God gave the ability to feel emotions for a reason. They aren't just random and without cause. I also believe that emotions can be dangerous if they are acted on rashly. I know this because I have experienced the repercussions of acting purely out of emotion. I believe within emotions, there is some truth, but it needs to be balanced with rational thought.

So...by head, I mean rational thought. I am realllllyyy good at analyzing things from a million different angles. I used to often overthink things. In the past I have blocked out emotion and instead relied only on my head to make decisions. This can also be very dangerous. To block out emotion is to deny yourself of a crucial part of your identity. I believe by relying completely on your head to make decisions, you slowly kill a part of yourself.

To make this matter even more complicated, there is that whole "gut" factor. I think you all know what I am talking about. Sometimes you just get a feeling in your gut that tells you what to do. It does not always seem rational, but it oftentimes just seems right for some reason. Where does that feeling come from? I don't know. It could be the Holy Spirit, the Enemy, or just your own self. I was talking with my mentor about all of this today and she said something about whether or not the feeling points toward God. I think that is an excellent question to ask yourself when trying to determine where that "gut" feeling is coming from.

So I've been trying to figure out where exactly I stand on all of this. Well, I guess I am somewhere in the middle. Yeah I know, that doesn't say much. I think you need to use your emotions as a guide, but you also need to balance them with rational thought. My thoughts on all of this are still forming, and I would welcome anyone else's thoughts on all of this.