In 2 days my second semester of seminary will start. In some ways I am ready and in some ways I am definitely not. I'm ready to get back into a routine and start learning again. I'm ready for the hustle and bustle of campus and seeing my friends everyday. I'm ready for that kind of change.
There are other changes I am not ready for. The past two weeks or so I have figured some things out about myself that probably need to start changing. I'm not sure I'm ready to change though. It will be hard and it won't be fun at points, but in the end I think it will make alot of things better. I know God will help me make these changes and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have to get ready...
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sleep
I haven't slept well in a long time. By "well" I mean peacefully. I have been having lots of dreams...usually not good ones. Sometimes they hit a little too close to home and I just wake up feeling stressed out or emotionally exhausted. I toss and turn and kick the covers off then want the covers back. I used to sleep so still. I long for one of those dreamless nights where you wake up in the same position you fell asleep in. I think I know why I haven't been sleeping well, but I'm not really sure how to fix it. I think once God gives me peace about certains things going on right now maybe I will then also be able to sleep peacefully. It will be a welcome change.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Pictures
I believe photographs can speak for themselves. These photos have spoken to me lately. Some are mine and some are from the internet. I thought instead of writing I would just share these pohtos.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Big Picture
It is so easy to get caught up in the smaller details of life that you lose sight of the big picture. Yesterday I was reminded of what my big picture is. I am in an online Old Testament class right now and I was watching a video lecture by Dr. Carol. He was lecturing about Jeremiah. There were a couple of parts that really caught my attention. He was talking about Jeremiah's calling in chapter 1 and stressed the importance of the call to ministry. You must be called. The next part that really made my heart start pounding was when he talked about Jeremiah 20:7-9. Jeremiah is complaining about the hardships he has been through, but then says he can't help but speak God's name because "his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." Dr. Carol asked how many of us feel that fire. That question struck me.
Honestly, right now I don't feel that fire. I have in the past and I hope to once again in the future, but currently it is not really there. I can feel it slowly trying to start again. Little things over the past couple of weeks have reminded me about that fire. In the past month I've come to realize that the past 8 months of my life have been very self-focused. I've focused on my problems and issues that have arisen that needed to be dealt with. I still need to continue dealing with them, but I also want to start focusing on others as well. Being completely self-focused is absolutely draining. I can see now that the fire starting going out when I started being self-focused instead of others-focused.
I have been caught up in the smaller details of my life and for a while lost sight of why I was even in seminary. That lecture reminded me. I was called here to study Biblical counseling. I am confident of my calling and I need to remind myself that God has a purpose in that. He also has a purpose in all the little details going on in my life. Those little details help make up the big picture. The are not insignificant by any means, but they also should not overshadow my calling.
This morning as I was praying I asked God what he wanted of me. "Be patient" was the answer I recieved. I'm not sure exactly what I am supposed to be patient for, but I have some ideas. I have really been craving change lately. I kind of feel like I am stuck and that things need to be shaken up in order for me to move forward. Maybe that change will come and maybe it won't. Maybe it will be completely different from what I am expecting. Maybe something I've felt all along God might be telling me is actually coming, but I must be patient.
So, while I am waiting for change I will be patient. While I am waiting for change I will keep the big picture in mind.
Honestly, right now I don't feel that fire. I have in the past and I hope to once again in the future, but currently it is not really there. I can feel it slowly trying to start again. Little things over the past couple of weeks have reminded me about that fire. In the past month I've come to realize that the past 8 months of my life have been very self-focused. I've focused on my problems and issues that have arisen that needed to be dealt with. I still need to continue dealing with them, but I also want to start focusing on others as well. Being completely self-focused is absolutely draining. I can see now that the fire starting going out when I started being self-focused instead of others-focused.
I have been caught up in the smaller details of my life and for a while lost sight of why I was even in seminary. That lecture reminded me. I was called here to study Biblical counseling. I am confident of my calling and I need to remind myself that God has a purpose in that. He also has a purpose in all the little details going on in my life. Those little details help make up the big picture. The are not insignificant by any means, but they also should not overshadow my calling.
This morning as I was praying I asked God what he wanted of me. "Be patient" was the answer I recieved. I'm not sure exactly what I am supposed to be patient for, but I have some ideas. I have really been craving change lately. I kind of feel like I am stuck and that things need to be shaken up in order for me to move forward. Maybe that change will come and maybe it won't. Maybe it will be completely different from what I am expecting. Maybe something I've felt all along God might be telling me is actually coming, but I must be patient.
So, while I am waiting for change I will be patient. While I am waiting for change I will keep the big picture in mind.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Past Present and Future
My past, my present and my future are all very different. Certain things from my past carry over into my present and probably my future, but other things don't. Some things should carry over and some things shouldn't. No matter what I choose to bring with me into my present and future, everything in my past is still a part of me. I can't erase things and I can't do things over. What is done is done.
In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.
After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.
I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.
Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.
So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.
In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.
After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.
I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.
Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.
So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.
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