Past Present and Future

My past, my present and my future are all very different. Certain things from my past carry over into my present and probably my future, but other things don't. Some things should carry over and some things shouldn't. No matter what I choose to bring with me into my present and future, everything in my past is still a part of me. I can't erase things and I can't do things over. What is done is done.

In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.

After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.

I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.

Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.

So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.