Times

This song just says it better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw_8o85lFxA

Silence

Depending on the moment or situation, silence can be a beautiful thing or a scary thing. I found that in my experience many people are uncomfortable with silence. That is a shame. Silence can be extremely therapeutic. That is one of the first things I learned in my counseling classes. Although two people may be sitting in the same room saying nothing to each other, there is still something that is being communicated in that silence. Silence gives people a chance to just sit and be or think or process.

I understand that silence can also be awkward sometimes, especially if you are with someone that you don't know very well. It takes a certain level of comfortability to sit in silence with someone and not feel awkward. I also understand that different personalities use and interpret silence differently. Some people say everything that pops into their head, while others carefully choose what they want to say. I'd say I lean towards the latter.

I am perfectly content to sit in silence with someone I am comfortable with. It is soothing to me. Sometimes that silence is loaded with unspoken words, and other times it simply is silence. Either way, I appreciate when others are ok with my silence. It is a part of who I am and it will probably never change.

Honesty

Honesty is something I very highly value. I think honesty in friendships is a must, even when the truth may sting a little. I love getting to the point in a friendship where you can be honest without fear of losing the friendship. That is something I am working on...being completely honest with my friends about how I am feeling. Many times I squelch the desire to be honest with how I am feeling (especially if they are negative feelings) but I think in the long-run that just creates more problems.

Today I was able to get to that honesty point with a friend and it actually ended up solving several problems! I just wish that we hadn't waited so long to talk to each other.

Lesson learned today: Honesty is so refreshing.

Don't know

Today was one of those days where I was totally incapable of making any decisions....even the simple ones. Don't even get me started on the hard ones. I had and still have no idea what I wanted, much less what I needed. I do not enjoy days like that at all. I get so frustrated because my mind goes one way and then it goes the opposite way and then I just end up exhausted. I am mentally drained for the day. I just hope tomorrow will be better than today.

Worship

I do not understand the ways of God. I am not supposed to. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. He always seems to catch me off guard. I was caught off guard several times this week.

I started a new semester of seminary on Monday. I knew it would be hard, but good as well. I didn't expect for God to move in such a strong way within the first 4 days though. I was in chapel on Tuesday and I broke down crying in the middle of worship. I was just struck by how marvelous and holy God is. I really can't describe how it felt. I was stuck by his majesty and then I was struck by how I've ignored it for so long. I was weeping because this past summer I put so many other things before God. I was weeping because I hadn't truly worshiped God in a really long time. I was weeping because despite all of that, He still loves me.

This morning I went for a run down by the river. I stopped at one point to go and sit down on some rocks in the river. I just wanted to sit and think. I had my ipod with me so I started listening to some worship music. Again, God moved....and again, I cried. I was listening to "How Deep the Father's Love for us" and I just felt so unworthy of his unconditional love. I was crying because I know I don't deserve his love, yet he chooses to give it anyway. I've chased after so many other things, and somehow I always end up back at the feet of Jesus.

For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him.

Ready or Not

In 2 days my second semester of seminary will start. In some ways I am ready and in some ways I am definitely not. I'm ready to get back into a routine and start learning again. I'm ready for the hustle and bustle of campus and seeing my friends everyday. I'm ready for that kind of change.

There are other changes I am not ready for. The past two weeks or so I have figured some things out about myself that probably need to start changing. I'm not sure I'm ready to change though. It will be hard and it won't be fun at points, but in the end I think it will make alot of things better. I know God will help me make these changes and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have to get ready...

Sleep

I haven't slept well in a long time. By "well" I mean peacefully. I have been having lots of dreams...usually not good ones. Sometimes they hit a little too close to home and I just wake up feeling stressed out or emotionally exhausted. I toss and turn and kick the covers off then want the covers back. I used to sleep so still. I long for one of those dreamless nights where you wake up in the same position you fell asleep in. I think I know why I haven't been sleeping well, but I'm not really sure how to fix it. I think once God gives me peace about certains things going on right now maybe I will then also be able to sleep peacefully. It will be a welcome change.