2010!!!

In case you haven't noticed, it is 2010. Wow. How time flies. I love the beginning of a new year. It is a time of reflection on the past year and expectation for the coming year. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on 2009 lately.

This time last year I was moving from Denver to Littleton and getting ready to start seminary. That seems like 10 years ago, not just one. I remember I was so expectant and excited to see what seminary was going to be like. I was nervous about making friends and my classes. Well, almost right away I had a wonderful group of friends. I LOVED my classes.

Throughout the year I experienced a lot of pain related to my past and to my present. As I dove into the counseling program, I was forced to take a closer look at myself. As I formed close relationships, I made myself vulnerable to getting hurt. One thing seemed to pile on another and I found myself sinking. I was broken and hurting, yet in the midst of it all I was learning.

During the summer I hit a low. June was the worst month of the year for me. From there, God began healing me. I hit more ups and downs, but could sense that God was working. This past semester absolutely flew by for me. I still can't believe it is over. I did a lot of reflecting on the changes that had happened in me since I started seminary. I thought about what changes I liked and what changes I didn't like. I began to understand exactly where I was in the midst of all the changes.

2009 came to an end and now 2010 is year. I am hopeful. I am expectant. I think it will be a much different year than 2009 was. I am starting fresh. I am ready to see what God has in store for me. Stay tuned to find out :)

Lessons

I have been sitting on my couch staring at this blank screen with the cursor blinking for about 5 mintues now. I have been thinking about what exactly I want to write about. Usually I like to write about what I am learning, whether that be spiritually or academically. As I sit here and reflect on what God is teaching me right now, I am a bit stuck.

I know God is teaching me something, but I'm just not sure exactly what yet. Trust is one thing I know he is trying to teach me. Such a basic lesson, but one I have had to learn over and over again. I guess it's not that I don't know exactly what God is teaching me, but it's the sheer amount of what he is teaching me that has my head spinning. I feel like God has shown me so much about him and myself since I started seminary that it is really hard to sit down and process it all.

Currently I am in the midst of learning some hard things...things I've learned before but am having to relearn again. For some reason it usually takes me a few times before a lesson really sinks in. I am very much an experiencial learner. I am learning that the things I think I want most in life do not satisfy unless they are in line with his perfect will for me. The things I think I want/need/deserve just do not measure up for what God has for me. I don't know exactly what God has for me, but I have to trust that it is better than what I want for me. I have strived and strived for the things I want and they haven't satisfied, so I can only hope that what He has for me will satisfy.

In the midst of learning all of this in the past year, the one theme that has reappeared over and over is God's amazing faithfulness and his undeserved love for me. I have screwed up so many times. I have been broken multiple times. Every time I come to him crying and weary and every single time he recives me with open arms. Just this week I was moved to tears by his faithfulness and love for me. I don't know why I continue to be surprised by his faithfulness. That is who God is. It is part of his nature. He will never forsake me or abandon me.

As I am reflecting on all of this I have realized that I am only about 6 weeks away from finishing my first year of seminary. This year has been the MOST difficult year of my life spiritually, emotionally, and academically. There has been much joy, but also much pain. I've been faced with issues from my past and at the same time had to deal with issues in the present. I've had to focus on my future as I try to figure out this whole counseling thing and what that is going to look like for me. It is just a whole lot to deal with at one time...but God is so good...and in the midst of of all this joy and pain He has been there all along.

As I think more about my future and all the uncertainties it holds, I am comforted by the simple fact that the one thing I do know is that God is good...and He is there...and He loves me.

Past Present and Future

My past, my present and my future are all very different. Certain things from my past carry over into my present and probably my future, but other things don't. Some things should carry over and some things shouldn't. No matter what I choose to bring with me into my present and future, everything in my past is still a part of me. I can't erase things and I can't do things over. What is done is done.

In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.

After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.

I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.

Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.

So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.