2010!!!

In case you haven't noticed, it is 2010. Wow. How time flies. I love the beginning of a new year. It is a time of reflection on the past year and expectation for the coming year. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on 2009 lately.

This time last year I was moving from Denver to Littleton and getting ready to start seminary. That seems like 10 years ago, not just one. I remember I was so expectant and excited to see what seminary was going to be like. I was nervous about making friends and my classes. Well, almost right away I had a wonderful group of friends. I LOVED my classes.

Throughout the year I experienced a lot of pain related to my past and to my present. As I dove into the counseling program, I was forced to take a closer look at myself. As I formed close relationships, I made myself vulnerable to getting hurt. One thing seemed to pile on another and I found myself sinking. I was broken and hurting, yet in the midst of it all I was learning.

During the summer I hit a low. June was the worst month of the year for me. From there, God began healing me. I hit more ups and downs, but could sense that God was working. This past semester absolutely flew by for me. I still can't believe it is over. I did a lot of reflecting on the changes that had happened in me since I started seminary. I thought about what changes I liked and what changes I didn't like. I began to understand exactly where I was in the midst of all the changes.

2009 came to an end and now 2010 is year. I am hopeful. I am expectant. I think it will be a much different year than 2009 was. I am starting fresh. I am ready to see what God has in store for me. Stay tuned to find out :)

Past Present and Future

My past, my present and my future are all very different. Certain things from my past carry over into my present and probably my future, but other things don't. Some things should carry over and some things shouldn't. No matter what I choose to bring with me into my present and future, everything in my past is still a part of me. I can't erase things and I can't do things over. What is done is done.

In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.

After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.

I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.

Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.

So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.

Self-reflection

I like songs that have a forward-moving rhythm...songs that propel you forward...make you want to run. They remind me that life goes on and there is an exciting future awaiting me. They inspire me to keep moving forward.

I have been doing alot of self-reflection over the past couple of days. I did so much self-reflection this past semester I didn't think I would ever want to do it again. Well, I've found myself almost forced to self-reflect before I can move forward. At first it was painful, but I identified some areas that are due for some growth. It was painful to realize some truths about myself, but it is so exciting to know that I can now start working on those areas. It is so good to see that out of pain comes growth. That is the only thing that makes the pain a little less painful...knowing that I am learning something through it. This growth is what will keep me moving forward...on to new and exciting things.

Healing

Ok...get ready. I think this is going to be a long one.

This is a time of healing in my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healing is a wonderful thing, but can also bring a new kind of pain. Healing usually requires you to admit that you have lost something in your life and you must learn to accept that.

The most tangible evidence of this in my life is my sprained ankle. This is the physical healing that is going on right now. Now, I can be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my health. I tend to think I'm just fine when I'm not. Four days after I sprained my ankle I decided I did not need my crutches anymore. I refused to admit that I needed them. I hated to be dependent on those things. I did not want to have to ask for help anymore and I decided I would just start walking. Well, that was fine for a day but then I started feeling the effects of it. My ankle was definitely not ready for that. I ended up having to go to the doctor again and he ordered me to stay on crutches for at least another week. He even said I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon if it doesn't heal soon. So...I learned that pretending you are ok when you aren't can cause more pain in the long run.

Now, of course my sprained ankle has caused physical pain, but I've also experienced the pain that comes from the loss of being independent and active. I am normally an extremely active person, but there is only so much you can do on crutches. I would give anything to be able to just run right now. That has been taken away from me though. I've spent this last week reflecting on the spiritual implications of this injury. I think my forced immobility also symbolizes the fact that God wants me to sit and be still before him. I've known for a while that I tend to run away from things I don't want to face. Running away is less painful and is easier. Well I think God is trying to tell me that I can't run away this time. He wants me to deal with some things that I have not wanted to deal with...ever. I'll think about them for a little while and then get frustrated and forget about it. Well, I think now it is time to deal with them for good.

Healing can only happen if you allow it to happen. By walking on my ankle too soon I was not allowing adequate time for it to heal. The same can be said for my emotional pain. By telling myself I am just fine when I really am not, I am not really allowing myself to heal. It is really hard to move on when you are really just faking it. I need to face the truth and accept the pain that goes along with that. Only then can God heal me. Up until this point I have not been ready for that...I'm still not sure if I am. But as long as I stubbornly stay in this place, I will continue to make my healing process so much harder and possibly cause even more pain in the long run.

I don't know why this is so hard for me. I do desire healing. I think that maybe just like I don't like to be dependant on my crutches, I also don't like to be dependant on God. Well, I must be dependant on him in order to heal. He is the only one who can bring true healing. I need to put aside my stubborn will and let him to his work. Now that I've written all this and reflected on it, it is time for me to own it and believe it.