Investments

I was just about to listen to a church history lecture online, but I felt I needed to write here instead. This morning I had a wonderful, but unexpected discussion with my 2 best girlfriends here in Denver. It is so good to be able to support one another when times get hard. God has blessed me immensely by these two women. They have pursued me as a friend even when I wanted to, and did, push them away. They have shown me Christ in their pursuit of me. How humbled and blessed I am.

God has put them, and other women in my life, to invest in me. I have reached a point where I love investing in them as well. This has pushed me to grow spiritually in so many ways. Letting these women see me and really know me (not just know about me) has produced so much spiritual growth in my life. Because they know me, they can challenge me and love me all at the same time.

For so long I would not let women (with a few exceptions) really get to know me. I have been hurt by females in my past and I have carried that baggage with me for a long time. I internalized a lot of things I've experienced from females in my past, but I am now coming to realize that not everyone is like they were. My female friendships have blessed me in far richer and different ways than my male friendships have. (I may be opening up can of worms with that statement, but that is ok). I have come to firmly believe that you NEED strong same-sex friendships in your life...and not just friendships, but friends that you can invest in and that can invest in you. Male/female friendship are just fine and dandy but there are some boundaries that I think definitely need to be put in place. I think the deep stuff, the intimate stuff, needs to be shared with same-sex friends....otherwise boundaries get crossed and things just get confusing. I think romantic relationships are the exception to that. It has taken me 23 years to realize that.

Who are you investing in? Who is investing in you? Are there people in your life that push you towards spiritual maturity instead of away from it? Find those people and hold onto them.

Satisfied

This week I realized something. A prayer has been answered....a prayer from this past summer. I will explain exactly what prayer was answered later.

I remember a couple of months ago a friend asked me what is something in my life that has been a continual struggle for me. The answer came into my head right away but I tried my best to think of a different answer. I did not like the one that I knew was true. I eventually admitted what it was...dependency.

The reason that was so hard for me to admit was because I really didn't like that about myself...at all. I did not like that I felt so dependent on people rather than on God. Ever since I became aware of this struggle I have shied away from that topic. I've been hurt by it and it hurts me to think about it. That is what happens when you find your self-worth in other people.

This past summer I started to become painfully aware of how this struggle was hindering me spiritually and emotionally. I remember admitting this to some friends while on the brink of tears. I knew that I needed to start some serious work in this area. I wanted to be able to say that God was enough. Here is part of a previous blog entry about this from September of last year:

"For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him."

Since I wrote that entry, God has done quite a bit in my life, especially in the past month and a half. I realized 3 days ago that this prayer has been answered. God has brought me to a place where I am completely satisfied in Him. It is the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that God is enough. I don't want or need anything else. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and it has absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. It has everything to do with God.

Since God has brought me to this place I feel that I am able to love people in a healthy way rather than in a needy way. Instead of looking to my friends to fulfill me and give me value, I look at them as a precious gift that God has given me. I want to love them like God loves me.

Head, Heart, or Gut?

I'd like to share something that I've been trying to process for some time now. I am still in the process of figuring all this out and this blog is a means of doing that. Basically, the question is: should I think with my head, my heart, or my gut? Now of course it is not a simple question and everyone answers it differently.

By heart, I mean emotions. It's not a perfect analogy, but it is just want comes to mind when I think of my emotions. They tie very closely in with my heart and what is going on there. I tend to be a pretty emotional person. This does not always show, but trust me, I know. My emotions sometimes drive me absolutely crazy. I believe God gave the ability to feel emotions for a reason. They aren't just random and without cause. I also believe that emotions can be dangerous if they are acted on rashly. I know this because I have experienced the repercussions of acting purely out of emotion. I believe within emotions, there is some truth, but it needs to be balanced with rational thought.

So...by head, I mean rational thought. I am realllllyyy good at analyzing things from a million different angles. I used to often overthink things. In the past I have blocked out emotion and instead relied only on my head to make decisions. This can also be very dangerous. To block out emotion is to deny yourself of a crucial part of your identity. I believe by relying completely on your head to make decisions, you slowly kill a part of yourself.

To make this matter even more complicated, there is that whole "gut" factor. I think you all know what I am talking about. Sometimes you just get a feeling in your gut that tells you what to do. It does not always seem rational, but it oftentimes just seems right for some reason. Where does that feeling come from? I don't know. It could be the Holy Spirit, the Enemy, or just your own self. I was talking with my mentor about all of this today and she said something about whether or not the feeling points toward God. I think that is an excellent question to ask yourself when trying to determine where that "gut" feeling is coming from.

So I've been trying to figure out where exactly I stand on all of this. Well, I guess I am somewhere in the middle. Yeah I know, that doesn't say much. I think you need to use your emotions as a guide, but you also need to balance them with rational thought. My thoughts on all of this are still forming, and I would welcome anyone else's thoughts on all of this.

Loving People

Relationships are important to me. I crave good, deep and strong relationships with people. I feel that God is urging me to really invest in the relationships around me. Last year I did a very poor job of that. I much more more focused on myself than on others. I am afraid that some people got hurt in this process. Well...no more...

God has renewed a passion in me to care for and love my friends, especially the ones I failed to care for over the last year. I feel like God is filling me up so that I may pour into others. I feel most satisfied and joyful after I have spent quality time investing in someone's life. I want to make a point to be more intentional with the time God gives me with my friends. Of course not every moment spent with them needs to be loaded with serious conversation. I value the fun and crazy times as well.

God has also renewed in me the desire to pray. Last year my prayer life was sorely lacking. God has brought me back to a point where I enjoy and value prayer in my life. I know of a couple of people who regularly pray for me and I am so grateful for that. I know it has made a difference in my life.

All in all, I can feel God moving in my life in a big way. Already in this new year He has brought me so much healing. I sense He is moving me into a new season that I am very excited about. I haven't been this excited about God in awhile. It feels amazing. I start my 3rd semester of seminary in less than a week. I am ready. I am so blessed to be able to be pursing my calling and passion for counseling. This semester will take me one step closer that that. :)

Encouragement

Every time I come home I always go to my closet and pull out all my old stuff from elementary all the way through college. I love looking through it all and remembering those times. My room is a mess right now because I have all my memorabilia spread all over the floor.

Tonight I decided to go through my box with all my old Pine Cove stuff in it. Pine Cove was a Christian family camp I worked at for 3 summers in college. It was a really stretching and good experience for me. I learned alot about myself and God during those summers. Those summers were very intense spiritually, emotionally and physically. There were times when I hated it and times when I loved it. Each summer was a completely different experience for me, but the one thing that was reinforced in me each summer was that I needed to die to myself.

Going through all my Pine Cove stuff reminded me of that. I desperately need to die to myself and lay my wants and desires at the feet of Jesus. There are a few things I just keep holding onto that are really hard to let go of. I know I need to give them to him and trust that He will work it all out for my good.

I was also greatly encouraged by going through all that stuff. Most of my old Pine Cove stuff is letters and notes of encouragement from my campers or fellow counselors. Almost every day at camp I would get a note from somebody encouraging me with a kind word or a Bible verse. It became so commonplace that I took it for granted. I saved all of them. There are so many that I couldn't even read them all. I would have been up all night if I had tried to read them all. To read those notes 4 or 5 years later was soooo good. It reminded me how much I appreciate encouragement. It also reminded me how little I encourage others. That is something I want to work on.

I don't really keep up with anyone that I worked with at Pine Cove. I see updates on facebook from time to time so I know what some of them are up to now. Many of them are married. If any of my fellow pine cove counselors are reading this I wish you all well! Thanks for all the encouragement during camp. I'd love to hear from any of you anytime! :)

Reminders

I am sitting in the Houston airport waiting on my flight back to Denver. I got here way too early and so I have some time to kill. I find myself reflecting on what my time at home was like. I was able to spend a weekend in College Station with some dear friends and then the whole week with my family in East Bernard.

The weekend in College Station was soo soo good. I'm not the greatest at keeping up with people (I don't like talking on the phone) and so I had alot to catch up on with my old college friends. I have changed quite a bit since graduating from college and am still in the midst of some of that change. Quite honestly, I've lost some of the passion for God and the Bible that I used to have in college. I've let other things dominate my thinking and have slowly become more self-absorbed. This is why it was so good to see my old friends. They reminded me of what I used to be like. They reminded me of what it is like to serve my God. They reminded me of what Godly marriages look like. They reminded me of the importance of prayer in my life. God knew I needed to be reminded.

When I left College Station and went to East Bernard, I felt spiritually refreshed. The first night I was home I dug out all my old journals from junior high, high school and college and began reading through them. I must say, the ones from junior high were quite entertaining. Every single entry was about one boy or another and how in love with him I was! I got quite a kick out of reading about it. It was so cool to read through all my journals and see how my faith matured over time. Alot of the same struggles reappeared in the journals, but each time I had more wisdom to handle them.

Reading through all those journals reminded me of the journey God has taken me on to get me to where I am now. It made me so thankful that God used my failures and triumphs to bring me to this point. My journey is not over and I am still journaling. I'm sure in the future I'll read back through the journal I am in now and be reminded of God faithfullness again. That is what I love about journals. They remind you of where you have been and where God is taking you.

The Goodness of the Lord

Last night I was brought to tears for about the 500th time this year in response to the goodness of the Lord. I was at Expressions Night, a worship event at the seminary, and God led me to Psalm 27. Everything thing in this psalm spoke exactly to what I have been struggling with. I read it over and over again and each time was struck with how faithful my God is. I will share with you verses 7-14, the ones that really stood out to me.

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
The LORD will recieve me.
Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
beacause of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up agains me,
breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

These are such powerful and beautiful words. I was struck by the line "I will see the goodness of the LORD." Those words especially brought me to tears because I HAVE seen the goodness of the Lord and yet I constantly forget that He is good.

Basically the whole night and all these verses came down to one word I heard from the Lord: TRUST. I will trust in Him. He will never abandon me.

Lessons

I have been sitting on my couch staring at this blank screen with the cursor blinking for about 5 mintues now. I have been thinking about what exactly I want to write about. Usually I like to write about what I am learning, whether that be spiritually or academically. As I sit here and reflect on what God is teaching me right now, I am a bit stuck.

I know God is teaching me something, but I'm just not sure exactly what yet. Trust is one thing I know he is trying to teach me. Such a basic lesson, but one I have had to learn over and over again. I guess it's not that I don't know exactly what God is teaching me, but it's the sheer amount of what he is teaching me that has my head spinning. I feel like God has shown me so much about him and myself since I started seminary that it is really hard to sit down and process it all.

Currently I am in the midst of learning some hard things...things I've learned before but am having to relearn again. For some reason it usually takes me a few times before a lesson really sinks in. I am very much an experiencial learner. I am learning that the things I think I want most in life do not satisfy unless they are in line with his perfect will for me. The things I think I want/need/deserve just do not measure up for what God has for me. I don't know exactly what God has for me, but I have to trust that it is better than what I want for me. I have strived and strived for the things I want and they haven't satisfied, so I can only hope that what He has for me will satisfy.

In the midst of learning all of this in the past year, the one theme that has reappeared over and over is God's amazing faithfulness and his undeserved love for me. I have screwed up so many times. I have been broken multiple times. Every time I come to him crying and weary and every single time he recives me with open arms. Just this week I was moved to tears by his faithfulness and love for me. I don't know why I continue to be surprised by his faithfulness. That is who God is. It is part of his nature. He will never forsake me or abandon me.

As I am reflecting on all of this I have realized that I am only about 6 weeks away from finishing my first year of seminary. This year has been the MOST difficult year of my life spiritually, emotionally, and academically. There has been much joy, but also much pain. I've been faced with issues from my past and at the same time had to deal with issues in the present. I've had to focus on my future as I try to figure out this whole counseling thing and what that is going to look like for me. It is just a whole lot to deal with at one time...but God is so good...and in the midst of of all this joy and pain He has been there all along.

As I think more about my future and all the uncertainties it holds, I am comforted by the simple fact that the one thing I do know is that God is good...and He is there...and He loves me.

Worship

I do not understand the ways of God. I am not supposed to. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. He always seems to catch me off guard. I was caught off guard several times this week.

I started a new semester of seminary on Monday. I knew it would be hard, but good as well. I didn't expect for God to move in such a strong way within the first 4 days though. I was in chapel on Tuesday and I broke down crying in the middle of worship. I was just struck by how marvelous and holy God is. I really can't describe how it felt. I was stuck by his majesty and then I was struck by how I've ignored it for so long. I was weeping because this past summer I put so many other things before God. I was weeping because I hadn't truly worshiped God in a really long time. I was weeping because despite all of that, He still loves me.

This morning I went for a run down by the river. I stopped at one point to go and sit down on some rocks in the river. I just wanted to sit and think. I had my ipod with me so I started listening to some worship music. Again, God moved....and again, I cried. I was listening to "How Deep the Father's Love for us" and I just felt so unworthy of his unconditional love. I was crying because I know I don't deserve his love, yet he chooses to give it anyway. I've chased after so many other things, and somehow I always end up back at the feet of Jesus.

For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him.

Ready or Not

In 2 days my second semester of seminary will start. In some ways I am ready and in some ways I am definitely not. I'm ready to get back into a routine and start learning again. I'm ready for the hustle and bustle of campus and seeing my friends everyday. I'm ready for that kind of change.

There are other changes I am not ready for. The past two weeks or so I have figured some things out about myself that probably need to start changing. I'm not sure I'm ready to change though. It will be hard and it won't be fun at points, but in the end I think it will make alot of things better. I know God will help me make these changes and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have to get ready...

Healing

Ok...get ready. I think this is going to be a long one.

This is a time of healing in my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healing is a wonderful thing, but can also bring a new kind of pain. Healing usually requires you to admit that you have lost something in your life and you must learn to accept that.

The most tangible evidence of this in my life is my sprained ankle. This is the physical healing that is going on right now. Now, I can be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my health. I tend to think I'm just fine when I'm not. Four days after I sprained my ankle I decided I did not need my crutches anymore. I refused to admit that I needed them. I hated to be dependent on those things. I did not want to have to ask for help anymore and I decided I would just start walking. Well, that was fine for a day but then I started feeling the effects of it. My ankle was definitely not ready for that. I ended up having to go to the doctor again and he ordered me to stay on crutches for at least another week. He even said I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon if it doesn't heal soon. So...I learned that pretending you are ok when you aren't can cause more pain in the long run.

Now, of course my sprained ankle has caused physical pain, but I've also experienced the pain that comes from the loss of being independent and active. I am normally an extremely active person, but there is only so much you can do on crutches. I would give anything to be able to just run right now. That has been taken away from me though. I've spent this last week reflecting on the spiritual implications of this injury. I think my forced immobility also symbolizes the fact that God wants me to sit and be still before him. I've known for a while that I tend to run away from things I don't want to face. Running away is less painful and is easier. Well I think God is trying to tell me that I can't run away this time. He wants me to deal with some things that I have not wanted to deal with...ever. I'll think about them for a little while and then get frustrated and forget about it. Well, I think now it is time to deal with them for good.

Healing can only happen if you allow it to happen. By walking on my ankle too soon I was not allowing adequate time for it to heal. The same can be said for my emotional pain. By telling myself I am just fine when I really am not, I am not really allowing myself to heal. It is really hard to move on when you are really just faking it. I need to face the truth and accept the pain that goes along with that. Only then can God heal me. Up until this point I have not been ready for that...I'm still not sure if I am. But as long as I stubbornly stay in this place, I will continue to make my healing process so much harder and possibly cause even more pain in the long run.

I don't know why this is so hard for me. I do desire healing. I think that maybe just like I don't like to be dependant on my crutches, I also don't like to be dependant on God. Well, I must be dependant on him in order to heal. He is the only one who can bring true healing. I need to put aside my stubborn will and let him to his work. Now that I've written all this and reflected on it, it is time for me to own it and believe it.

Friends

Tonight I got some much needed girl time in. It wasn't planned or intentional, but God knew I needed it. I am so thankful to have friends I can go to and tell them my innermost thoughts and know that they will speak truth to me. I love knowing that they will not judge me. I can tell them anything. Freedom like that feels good. I know I can do the same with my God...my unconditionally loving God. The problem is that I have not been doing such a great job of that lately. That kind of hit me in the face tonight. So...tommorrow I am going to the mountians for the day and turning my cell phone off. Towards the end of the semseter I had promised myself I would do that soon after school ended. Well I will not put it off any longer. I need a day to myself in God's creation to stop and reflect and listen to my Daddy.

Summertime!!

School is out and the summer is here! I can't believe we have only been out of school for one week because it seems like alot longer than that. Already I have had soooo much fun! I am looking forward to this summer more than any other. I have an amazing group of friends to share it with and I live in COLORADO!! You really can't beat Colorado summers. I am looking forward to hiking, camping, backpacking, laying by the pool, floating the river and laying around just because I can. After a very stressful and emotional semester, I am in need of this break.

I was looking back through my journals this morning and I realized that exactly one year ago today I arrived in Denver with my parents. Gosh that seems like a long time ago. Sooooooo much has changed in the past year. I have changed ALOT in the past year, especially the past 5 months. I am so excited to see what God is going to continue to do in my life here in Colorado. He has been so faithful and I have seen a different side of God this past semester. I am interested to see how He will continue to grow and change my faith.