I remember a couple of months ago a friend asked me what is something in my life that has been a continual struggle for me. The answer came into my head right away but I tried my best to think of a different answer. I did not like the one that I knew was true. I eventually admitted what it was...dependency.
The reason that was so hard for me to admit was because I really didn't like that about myself...at all. I did not like that I felt so dependent on people rather than on God. Ever since I became aware of this struggle I have shied away from that topic. I've been hurt by it and it hurts me to think about it. That is what happens when you find your self-worth in other people.
This past summer I started to become painfully aware of how this struggle was hindering me spiritually and emotionally. I remember admitting this to some friends while on the brink of tears. I knew that I needed to start some serious work in this area. I wanted to be able to say that God was enough. Here is part of a previous blog entry about this from September of last year:
"For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.
I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him."
Since I wrote that entry, God has done quite a bit in my life, especially in the past month and a half. I realized 3 days ago that this prayer has been answered. God has brought me to a place where I am completely satisfied in Him. It is the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that God is enough. I don't want or need anything else. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and it has absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. It has everything to do with God.
Since God has brought me to this place I feel that I am able to love people in a healthy way rather than in a needy way. Instead of looking to my friends to fulfill me and give me value, I look at them as a precious gift that God has given me. I want to love them like God loves me.
