Don't know

Today was one of those days where I was totally incapable of making any decisions....even the simple ones. Don't even get me started on the hard ones. I had and still have no idea what I wanted, much less what I needed. I do not enjoy days like that at all. I get so frustrated because my mind goes one way and then it goes the opposite way and then I just end up exhausted. I am mentally drained for the day. I just hope tomorrow will be better than today.

Worship

I do not understand the ways of God. I am not supposed to. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. He always seems to catch me off guard. I was caught off guard several times this week.

I started a new semester of seminary on Monday. I knew it would be hard, but good as well. I didn't expect for God to move in such a strong way within the first 4 days though. I was in chapel on Tuesday and I broke down crying in the middle of worship. I was just struck by how marvelous and holy God is. I really can't describe how it felt. I was stuck by his majesty and then I was struck by how I've ignored it for so long. I was weeping because this past summer I put so many other things before God. I was weeping because I hadn't truly worshiped God in a really long time. I was weeping because despite all of that, He still loves me.

This morning I went for a run down by the river. I stopped at one point to go and sit down on some rocks in the river. I just wanted to sit and think. I had my ipod with me so I started listening to some worship music. Again, God moved....and again, I cried. I was listening to "How Deep the Father's Love for us" and I just felt so unworthy of his unconditional love. I was crying because I know I don't deserve his love, yet he chooses to give it anyway. I've chased after so many other things, and somehow I always end up back at the feet of Jesus.

For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him.

Ready or Not

In 2 days my second semester of seminary will start. In some ways I am ready and in some ways I am definitely not. I'm ready to get back into a routine and start learning again. I'm ready for the hustle and bustle of campus and seeing my friends everyday. I'm ready for that kind of change.

There are other changes I am not ready for. The past two weeks or so I have figured some things out about myself that probably need to start changing. I'm not sure I'm ready to change though. It will be hard and it won't be fun at points, but in the end I think it will make alot of things better. I know God will help me make these changes and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have to get ready...

Sleep

I haven't slept well in a long time. By "well" I mean peacefully. I have been having lots of dreams...usually not good ones. Sometimes they hit a little too close to home and I just wake up feeling stressed out or emotionally exhausted. I toss and turn and kick the covers off then want the covers back. I used to sleep so still. I long for one of those dreamless nights where you wake up in the same position you fell asleep in. I think I know why I haven't been sleeping well, but I'm not really sure how to fix it. I think once God gives me peace about certains things going on right now maybe I will then also be able to sleep peacefully. It will be a welcome change.

Pictures

I believe photographs can speak for themselves. These photos have spoken to me lately. Some are mine and some are from the internet. I thought instead of writing I would just share these pohtos.

The Big Picture

It is so easy to get caught up in the smaller details of life that you lose sight of the big picture. Yesterday I was reminded of what my big picture is. I am in an online Old Testament class right now and I was watching a video lecture by Dr. Carol. He was lecturing about Jeremiah. There were a couple of parts that really caught my attention. He was talking about Jeremiah's calling in chapter 1 and stressed the importance of the call to ministry. You must be called. The next part that really made my heart start pounding was when he talked about Jeremiah 20:7-9. Jeremiah is complaining about the hardships he has been through, but then says he can't help but speak God's name because "his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." Dr. Carol asked how many of us feel that fire. That question struck me.

Honestly, right now I don't feel that fire. I have in the past and I hope to once again in the future, but currently it is not really there. I can feel it slowly trying to start again. Little things over the past couple of weeks have reminded me about that fire. In the past month I've come to realize that the past 8 months of my life have been very self-focused. I've focused on my problems and issues that have arisen that needed to be dealt with. I still need to continue dealing with them, but I also want to start focusing on others as well. Being completely self-focused is absolutely draining. I can see now that the fire starting going out when I started being self-focused instead of others-focused.

I have been caught up in the smaller details of my life and for a while lost sight of why I was even in seminary. That lecture reminded me. I was called here to study Biblical counseling. I am confident of my calling and I need to remind myself that God has a purpose in that. He also has a purpose in all the little details going on in my life. Those little details help make up the big picture. The are not insignificant by any means, but they also should not overshadow my calling.

This morning as I was praying I asked God what he wanted of me. "Be patient" was the answer I recieved. I'm not sure exactly what I am supposed to be patient for, but I have some ideas. I have really been craving change lately. I kind of feel like I am stuck and that things need to be shaken up in order for me to move forward. Maybe that change will come and maybe it won't. Maybe it will be completely different from what I am expecting. Maybe something I've felt all along God might be telling me is actually coming, but I must be patient.

So, while I am waiting for change I will be patient. While I am waiting for change I will keep the big picture in mind.

Past Present and Future

My past, my present and my future are all very different. Certain things from my past carry over into my present and probably my future, but other things don't. Some things should carry over and some things shouldn't. No matter what I choose to bring with me into my present and future, everything in my past is still a part of me. I can't erase things and I can't do things over. What is done is done.

In the past week or so I have come to the realization that I have been trying very hard to erase some things from my past and start all over with something new. Now this is not neccessarily a bad thing. In fact, in some ways it is a very good thing. The problem is that in the process of trying to erase my past and create something new, I have forsaken some things that are an important part of me.

After going through a semester of seminary and practically a whole summer of trying to rediscover my identity I still am confused. Go figure. I have been trying so hard to shed all the misjudgments and stereotypes that people have laid upon me that I've gone and confused myself all over again. I feel like I'm walking from one extreme to the other trying to figure out where I really belong. Maybe that is how it is supposed to work.

I've spent the past 2 week with my best friend. We don't get to see each other that often since we now live in different states. We've been besties for about 3 years now. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. She has walked with me through alot of crap. She has rejoiced with me one day and cried with me the next. I've changed alot since I've moved to Denver, and I knew she would notice some things. Spending time with her reminded me about my past and of some of the things that I have been running away from. We had some good conversations and now that she is gone I am left mulling over some things.

Tonight is the first night in a few weeks that I have had completely to myself. It is nice. I finally have a chance to think about what has been stirring in me the past couple of weeks. I need to really think about the things from my past I want to keep and the things I'd rather leave behind. I've made many mistakes in my past that are coming with me. I wouldn't take any of them back because I've learned extremely valuable lessons from all of them...painful, but valuable. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I want to learn something today. That might mean learning something new about a friend, learning more about counseling, learning through my pain, learning from God's creation, learning from a book or learning more about my maker.

So, even though I have a million thoughts running through my head about all of this, I do know that I learned something today. That made today worth it.