New Blog

I've switched over to a new blog...you can find it here

Just a few random thoughts

So I just have a few thoughts bouncing around in my head and I wanted to get them out. I went on a women's retreat this weekend in Buena Vista. I decided to go really last minute, but I am glad I did. Most of the women were older than me, but it was good to watch and learn from them. It made me appreciate women even more.

I have been reflecting this semester on what I value. So far, I have come up with a few things that I know I value highly.

1. People. I feel most alive when I am talking one-on-one with someone having a meaningful conversation. This semester I have been trying to be more intentional about making time for those kind of conversations...and being open to them even when it isn't convenient for my "schedule."

2. Wisdom. I have been praying a lot for wisdom this semester. I have come to love Proverbs 8. I desire to be someone who makes wise decisions.

3. Friends who challenge me. I need friends in my life who challenge me. I need friends who can call me on my crap when I am in the wrong. I need friends who are not afraid to risk hurting me in order to help me. I look for this in all relationships.

4. Fun. I LOVE to have fun. I enjoy spontaneity and crazy, silly times. I can only go so long before I need to go do something fun. I love to laugh, especially with other people.

On another note, I have started physical therapy for my ankle. Yeah I know, you are probably thinking "I didn't know you were still having trouble with that" or "I had no idea there was anything wrong with your ankle." If you go back to my June posts you can read all about my ankle injury. Basically, it healed incorrectly and my range of motion is only about 20% of what it should be. I am doing exercises to help get my range of motion back. They are very simple things that you would probably not even think of as exercises...but they are very painful for me. My chiropractor said she hasn't seen an ankle as bad as mine in a very long time...awesome...NOT. I am hoping and praying that these exercises will help me get back to normal in time for summer. It is a very slow and painful process, but I know it will be worth it in the end. If you think about it, I would appreciate any prayers for this. If these exercises don't work I am afraid something more drastic may have to happen...surgery. Yikes.

Investments

I was just about to listen to a church history lecture online, but I felt I needed to write here instead. This morning I had a wonderful, but unexpected discussion with my 2 best girlfriends here in Denver. It is so good to be able to support one another when times get hard. God has blessed me immensely by these two women. They have pursued me as a friend even when I wanted to, and did, push them away. They have shown me Christ in their pursuit of me. How humbled and blessed I am.

God has put them, and other women in my life, to invest in me. I have reached a point where I love investing in them as well. This has pushed me to grow spiritually in so many ways. Letting these women see me and really know me (not just know about me) has produced so much spiritual growth in my life. Because they know me, they can challenge me and love me all at the same time.

For so long I would not let women (with a few exceptions) really get to know me. I have been hurt by females in my past and I have carried that baggage with me for a long time. I internalized a lot of things I've experienced from females in my past, but I am now coming to realize that not everyone is like they were. My female friendships have blessed me in far richer and different ways than my male friendships have. (I may be opening up can of worms with that statement, but that is ok). I have come to firmly believe that you NEED strong same-sex friendships in your life...and not just friendships, but friends that you can invest in and that can invest in you. Male/female friendship are just fine and dandy but there are some boundaries that I think definitely need to be put in place. I think the deep stuff, the intimate stuff, needs to be shared with same-sex friends....otherwise boundaries get crossed and things just get confusing. I think romantic relationships are the exception to that. It has taken me 23 years to realize that.

Who are you investing in? Who is investing in you? Are there people in your life that push you towards spiritual maturity instead of away from it? Find those people and hold onto them.

Satisfied

This week I realized something. A prayer has been answered....a prayer from this past summer. I will explain exactly what prayer was answered later.

I remember a couple of months ago a friend asked me what is something in my life that has been a continual struggle for me. The answer came into my head right away but I tried my best to think of a different answer. I did not like the one that I knew was true. I eventually admitted what it was...dependency.

The reason that was so hard for me to admit was because I really didn't like that about myself...at all. I did not like that I felt so dependent on people rather than on God. Ever since I became aware of this struggle I have shied away from that topic. I've been hurt by it and it hurts me to think about it. That is what happens when you find your self-worth in other people.

This past summer I started to become painfully aware of how this struggle was hindering me spiritually and emotionally. I remember admitting this to some friends while on the brink of tears. I knew that I needed to start some serious work in this area. I wanted to be able to say that God was enough. Here is part of a previous blog entry about this from September of last year:

"For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him."

Since I wrote that entry, God has done quite a bit in my life, especially in the past month and a half. I realized 3 days ago that this prayer has been answered. God has brought me to a place where I am completely satisfied in Him. It is the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that God is enough. I don't want or need anything else. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and it has absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. It has everything to do with God.

Since God has brought me to this place I feel that I am able to love people in a healthy way rather than in a needy way. Instead of looking to my friends to fulfill me and give me value, I look at them as a precious gift that God has given me. I want to love them like God loves me.

Head, Heart, or Gut?

I'd like to share something that I've been trying to process for some time now. I am still in the process of figuring all this out and this blog is a means of doing that. Basically, the question is: should I think with my head, my heart, or my gut? Now of course it is not a simple question and everyone answers it differently.

By heart, I mean emotions. It's not a perfect analogy, but it is just want comes to mind when I think of my emotions. They tie very closely in with my heart and what is going on there. I tend to be a pretty emotional person. This does not always show, but trust me, I know. My emotions sometimes drive me absolutely crazy. I believe God gave the ability to feel emotions for a reason. They aren't just random and without cause. I also believe that emotions can be dangerous if they are acted on rashly. I know this because I have experienced the repercussions of acting purely out of emotion. I believe within emotions, there is some truth, but it needs to be balanced with rational thought.

So...by head, I mean rational thought. I am realllllyyy good at analyzing things from a million different angles. I used to often overthink things. In the past I have blocked out emotion and instead relied only on my head to make decisions. This can also be very dangerous. To block out emotion is to deny yourself of a crucial part of your identity. I believe by relying completely on your head to make decisions, you slowly kill a part of yourself.

To make this matter even more complicated, there is that whole "gut" factor. I think you all know what I am talking about. Sometimes you just get a feeling in your gut that tells you what to do. It does not always seem rational, but it oftentimes just seems right for some reason. Where does that feeling come from? I don't know. It could be the Holy Spirit, the Enemy, or just your own self. I was talking with my mentor about all of this today and she said something about whether or not the feeling points toward God. I think that is an excellent question to ask yourself when trying to determine where that "gut" feeling is coming from.

So I've been trying to figure out where exactly I stand on all of this. Well, I guess I am somewhere in the middle. Yeah I know, that doesn't say much. I think you need to use your emotions as a guide, but you also need to balance them with rational thought. My thoughts on all of this are still forming, and I would welcome anyone else's thoughts on all of this.

Loving People

Relationships are important to me. I crave good, deep and strong relationships with people. I feel that God is urging me to really invest in the relationships around me. Last year I did a very poor job of that. I much more more focused on myself than on others. I am afraid that some people got hurt in this process. Well...no more...

God has renewed a passion in me to care for and love my friends, especially the ones I failed to care for over the last year. I feel like God is filling me up so that I may pour into others. I feel most satisfied and joyful after I have spent quality time investing in someone's life. I want to make a point to be more intentional with the time God gives me with my friends. Of course not every moment spent with them needs to be loaded with serious conversation. I value the fun and crazy times as well.

God has also renewed in me the desire to pray. Last year my prayer life was sorely lacking. God has brought me back to a point where I enjoy and value prayer in my life. I know of a couple of people who regularly pray for me and I am so grateful for that. I know it has made a difference in my life.

All in all, I can feel God moving in my life in a big way. Already in this new year He has brought me so much healing. I sense He is moving me into a new season that I am very excited about. I haven't been this excited about God in awhile. It feels amazing. I start my 3rd semester of seminary in less than a week. I am ready. I am so blessed to be able to be pursing my calling and passion for counseling. This semester will take me one step closer that that. :)

2010!!!

In case you haven't noticed, it is 2010. Wow. How time flies. I love the beginning of a new year. It is a time of reflection on the past year and expectation for the coming year. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on 2009 lately.

This time last year I was moving from Denver to Littleton and getting ready to start seminary. That seems like 10 years ago, not just one. I remember I was so expectant and excited to see what seminary was going to be like. I was nervous about making friends and my classes. Well, almost right away I had a wonderful group of friends. I LOVED my classes.

Throughout the year I experienced a lot of pain related to my past and to my present. As I dove into the counseling program, I was forced to take a closer look at myself. As I formed close relationships, I made myself vulnerable to getting hurt. One thing seemed to pile on another and I found myself sinking. I was broken and hurting, yet in the midst of it all I was learning.

During the summer I hit a low. June was the worst month of the year for me. From there, God began healing me. I hit more ups and downs, but could sense that God was working. This past semester absolutely flew by for me. I still can't believe it is over. I did a lot of reflecting on the changes that had happened in me since I started seminary. I thought about what changes I liked and what changes I didn't like. I began to understand exactly where I was in the midst of all the changes.

2009 came to an end and now 2010 is year. I am hopeful. I am expectant. I think it will be a much different year than 2009 was. I am starting fresh. I am ready to see what God has in store for me. Stay tuned to find out :)

For Renee

For those of you who don't know, I have a younger sister named Renee. She is 20 years old and is a junior in college. This post is for her. It's probably going to be a long one. Read the whole thing. The end is the best part.

Since I have been home I have been struggling with something. I really really need to let go of something. In case you haven't noticed based on previous blogs, this is a hard thing for me to do...let go. It was really bothering me today. I kept thinking about it and I kind of let it ruin my day. I decided to take a relaxing bath and go to bed early and just hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

While I was getting ready for bed, I started thinking about how much harder this all would be if I didn't have people in my life that were there for me. I started thinking through all the people that have really stuck by me. There were a few that really stuck out. One of them was my sister, Renee. The rest of this post is going to be all about her.

Renee is 3 years younger than me. Growing up, we played together all the time. We played barbies and dollies and house. I would boss her around and make her do things....and she would. That is the power of being the older sister. As we grew older we still got along pretty well, but I had my own friends I became more concerned with. When I got into high school I became alot busier and spent less and less time with her.

She was still always there for me though. I would talk to her about my boy problems and she would listen so attentively. I didn't realize it at the time, but she really looked up to me. I would come to realize this later. When she got into high school, I was a senior. We grew a little closer that year because we shared a few of the same friends and were involved in some of the same things at school. I graduated and got out of East Bernard as fast as I possibly could. I wanted to leave this small town behind me and move on to new places. (I don't necessarily feel that way anymore).

When I went away to college, Renee and I actually grew closer. I think being away from her made me realize how much I took her for granted. This is also about when I started realizing that Renee looked up to me. Everything I did was setting an example for her. I remember realizng this and wanting to make sure I set a good example for her.

Well lets fast forward another 3 years to when Renee got into college. She decided to go to Texas A&M, and I happened to be a senior there! I was so excited to get to share one year of college together with my sister. I was living in a house and she was living in the dorms. Renee is an extremely friendly and outgoing person, so she had no trouble making friends. She would still come over and visit her older sister though :)

Throughout her first year of college, Renee had some rough experiences. She would come to me for help. There were times when I felt completely helpless, but I would just hold her as she cried. Those months were some of the hardest of her life, along with mine. I so badly wanted to help her, but I had to trust God to do that. I was bonded to her through those times. I can't really even explain the bond that was formed. I wanted to protect her from the world and everything bad. I would cry just thinking about her. I loved her so much. I remember thinking that if I loved her that much, how much more does God love her?

There were also times my senior year that Renee was there for me. I remember one night in particular. I really needed her to be there with me. I was hurting and I didn't want to be alone. I called her and she came over. I cried myself to sleep and she slept right beside me. (Luckily I had a queen sized bed...but even if I didn't, she still would have squeezed in with me. We've done it before). That brought me great comfort.

As my senior year came to an end, I was getting ready to move to Denver for an internship. I was also faced with the decision between going to Denver Seminary or Dallas Theological Seminary. As I was trying to make my decision, I couldn't help but think about how far away from Renee I would be if I chose Denver. I agonized over it. I felt so protective of her and wanted to be able to drive and see her anytime I wanted to. In the end, I felt God leading me to Denver. I knew I had to trust him to take care of my Renee.

Since then, our relationship has changed. Renee is so strong and so mature. She has done just fine without me there with her. Since moving away, I have been the one that has needed to just cry on her shoulder. I know that Renee has looked up to me her whole life, but what I want to tell her is that I look up to her just as much or more than she looks up to me. Renee has such incredible wisdom for her 20 years. She is more mature than any 20 year old I know and has always given me good advice. I have looked to her for solid footing more this past year than she has looked to me.

Renee is full of life and passion. She sings and dances her way through the house and brings a smile to everyone. She has always been that way. She is also very funny. She has a unique sense of humor that her friends recognize and appreciate. She also has such a huge capacity to love. She wants to make this world a better place for those who are victims of injustice. I have absolutely no doubt that she will. Renee is going to do great things in her life. I know it.

Renee, I love you. You know me better than anyone. You know when I'm lying and when I'm hurting. You know when to just hug me and when to make me talk. I have loved growing up with you. I loved when you would leave me notes on my bed to tell me how much you loved me. I saved all of them. I loved all the letters you wrote me while I was away at Pine Cove. I saved those too. I love coming home knowing I will get to see you.

I can't wait to see where the Lord takes both of us. I'm just glad to know you will always be there with me. Thank you for always loving me.

Encouragement

Every time I come home I always go to my closet and pull out all my old stuff from elementary all the way through college. I love looking through it all and remembering those times. My room is a mess right now because I have all my memorabilia spread all over the floor.

Tonight I decided to go through my box with all my old Pine Cove stuff in it. Pine Cove was a Christian family camp I worked at for 3 summers in college. It was a really stretching and good experience for me. I learned alot about myself and God during those summers. Those summers were very intense spiritually, emotionally and physically. There were times when I hated it and times when I loved it. Each summer was a completely different experience for me, but the one thing that was reinforced in me each summer was that I needed to die to myself.

Going through all my Pine Cove stuff reminded me of that. I desperately need to die to myself and lay my wants and desires at the feet of Jesus. There are a few things I just keep holding onto that are really hard to let go of. I know I need to give them to him and trust that He will work it all out for my good.

I was also greatly encouraged by going through all that stuff. Most of my old Pine Cove stuff is letters and notes of encouragement from my campers or fellow counselors. Almost every day at camp I would get a note from somebody encouraging me with a kind word or a Bible verse. It became so commonplace that I took it for granted. I saved all of them. There are so many that I couldn't even read them all. I would have been up all night if I had tried to read them all. To read those notes 4 or 5 years later was soooo good. It reminded me how much I appreciate encouragement. It also reminded me how little I encourage others. That is something I want to work on.

I don't really keep up with anyone that I worked with at Pine Cove. I see updates on facebook from time to time so I know what some of them are up to now. Many of them are married. If any of my fellow pine cove counselors are reading this I wish you all well! Thanks for all the encouragement during camp. I'd love to hear from any of you anytime! :)

Reminders

I am sitting in the Houston airport waiting on my flight back to Denver. I got here way too early and so I have some time to kill. I find myself reflecting on what my time at home was like. I was able to spend a weekend in College Station with some dear friends and then the whole week with my family in East Bernard.

The weekend in College Station was soo soo good. I'm not the greatest at keeping up with people (I don't like talking on the phone) and so I had alot to catch up on with my old college friends. I have changed quite a bit since graduating from college and am still in the midst of some of that change. Quite honestly, I've lost some of the passion for God and the Bible that I used to have in college. I've let other things dominate my thinking and have slowly become more self-absorbed. This is why it was so good to see my old friends. They reminded me of what I used to be like. They reminded me of what it is like to serve my God. They reminded me of what Godly marriages look like. They reminded me of the importance of prayer in my life. God knew I needed to be reminded.

When I left College Station and went to East Bernard, I felt spiritually refreshed. The first night I was home I dug out all my old journals from junior high, high school and college and began reading through them. I must say, the ones from junior high were quite entertaining. Every single entry was about one boy or another and how in love with him I was! I got quite a kick out of reading about it. It was so cool to read through all my journals and see how my faith matured over time. Alot of the same struggles reappeared in the journals, but each time I had more wisdom to handle them.

Reading through all those journals reminded me of the journey God has taken me on to get me to where I am now. It made me so thankful that God used my failures and triumphs to bring me to this point. My journey is not over and I am still journaling. I'm sure in the future I'll read back through the journal I am in now and be reminded of God faithfullness again. That is what I love about journals. They remind you of where you have been and where God is taking you.

Giving Thanks

In light of Thanksgiving, I though I'd list some of the things I am thankful for.

a wonderful loving family
getting to pursue my passion for counseling
having grown up in East Bernard and getting to come back for visits
the rice farm
hearing stories about my family's history
chooclate
living in Colorado
skiing
an amazing group of friends from college and seminary
reconnecting with old friends from high school
reading through all my old journals from JH and HS and being able to laugh at myself
my health
my job
God's faithfulness and protection
good Mexican food
my mom's amazing pumpkin rolls
coffee
fireplaces

Of course I could list many more things, but that will do for now :)

The Goodness of the Lord

Last night I was brought to tears for about the 500th time this year in response to the goodness of the Lord. I was at Expressions Night, a worship event at the seminary, and God led me to Psalm 27. Everything thing in this psalm spoke exactly to what I have been struggling with. I read it over and over again and each time was struck with how faithful my God is. I will share with you verses 7-14, the ones that really stood out to me.

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
The LORD will recieve me.
Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
beacause of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up agains me,
breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

These are such powerful and beautiful words. I was struck by the line "I will see the goodness of the LORD." Those words especially brought me to tears because I HAVE seen the goodness of the Lord and yet I constantly forget that He is good.

Basically the whole night and all these verses came down to one word I heard from the Lord: TRUST. I will trust in Him. He will never abandon me.

Lessons

I have been sitting on my couch staring at this blank screen with the cursor blinking for about 5 mintues now. I have been thinking about what exactly I want to write about. Usually I like to write about what I am learning, whether that be spiritually or academically. As I sit here and reflect on what God is teaching me right now, I am a bit stuck.

I know God is teaching me something, but I'm just not sure exactly what yet. Trust is one thing I know he is trying to teach me. Such a basic lesson, but one I have had to learn over and over again. I guess it's not that I don't know exactly what God is teaching me, but it's the sheer amount of what he is teaching me that has my head spinning. I feel like God has shown me so much about him and myself since I started seminary that it is really hard to sit down and process it all.

Currently I am in the midst of learning some hard things...things I've learned before but am having to relearn again. For some reason it usually takes me a few times before a lesson really sinks in. I am very much an experiencial learner. I am learning that the things I think I want most in life do not satisfy unless they are in line with his perfect will for me. The things I think I want/need/deserve just do not measure up for what God has for me. I don't know exactly what God has for me, but I have to trust that it is better than what I want for me. I have strived and strived for the things I want and they haven't satisfied, so I can only hope that what He has for me will satisfy.

In the midst of learning all of this in the past year, the one theme that has reappeared over and over is God's amazing faithfulness and his undeserved love for me. I have screwed up so many times. I have been broken multiple times. Every time I come to him crying and weary and every single time he recives me with open arms. Just this week I was moved to tears by his faithfulness and love for me. I don't know why I continue to be surprised by his faithfulness. That is who God is. It is part of his nature. He will never forsake me or abandon me.

As I am reflecting on all of this I have realized that I am only about 6 weeks away from finishing my first year of seminary. This year has been the MOST difficult year of my life spiritually, emotionally, and academically. There has been much joy, but also much pain. I've been faced with issues from my past and at the same time had to deal with issues in the present. I've had to focus on my future as I try to figure out this whole counseling thing and what that is going to look like for me. It is just a whole lot to deal with at one time...but God is so good...and in the midst of of all this joy and pain He has been there all along.

As I think more about my future and all the uncertainties it holds, I am comforted by the simple fact that the one thing I do know is that God is good...and He is there...and He loves me.

Procrastination

So I'm sitting in the library writing a really boring paper. It was so boring, in fact, that I decided to write in my blog instead. Not really sure what is going to end up coming out...I just felt like writing.

Music...music has been on my mind lately. Music has this amazing ability to connect with its listener like no other. The rhythm, the lyrics, the notes....they speak to a part of us that other mediums can't reach. I can get completely lost in a song even while I'm standing in the middle of a huge crowd. It helps that I am pretty good at disassocating from my surroundings when I want to be.

Disassociating...that reminds me of my diagnosis and psychopathologies class. (There is a whole class of disorders called Disassociative disorders). I find that class soooo fascinating. It is amazing what the human brain does in response to certain situations and how those responses manifest themselves in different people depending on their life circumstances. I just took my midterm for this class this morning...so that is why this is all on my mind. It is a challenge for me to decide what I believe about the complex interplay between the psychological, biological, sociological and spiritual issues involved in all of these disorders. I believe each of these factors plays a different part in each individual and each disorder. The question is...how much of a role does each play and how do I then go about treating the person with the disorder? It is alot to think about...

On a completely different note, the last time I was home (East Bernard) I came across a book that I started writing in 8th grade. I brought it back with me here to Colorado. Yesterday I showed it to my friends and read the first chapter aloud to them. It was QUITE entertaining for everyone, including me. Some of the descriptions and phrases I used are absolutely hilarious. My writing style has changed quite a bit since then. We read 2 chapters last night and will read another chapter tonight. There are only 4 chapters so we can only drag it out so long. I never finished the book. My friends tell me I should finish it, but I would somehow have to reconnect with my 8th grade self to come up with the amazingly cheesy lines I wrote back then.

Ok...I guess that is enough procrastination for now. I will try to get back to writing my incredibly boring paper for this incredibly boring class. This is the 1st class that I have not enjoyed here so far. I won't mention the class though....

Times

This song just says it better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw_8o85lFxA

Silence

Depending on the moment or situation, silence can be a beautiful thing or a scary thing. I found that in my experience many people are uncomfortable with silence. That is a shame. Silence can be extremely therapeutic. That is one of the first things I learned in my counseling classes. Although two people may be sitting in the same room saying nothing to each other, there is still something that is being communicated in that silence. Silence gives people a chance to just sit and be or think or process.

I understand that silence can also be awkward sometimes, especially if you are with someone that you don't know very well. It takes a certain level of comfortability to sit in silence with someone and not feel awkward. I also understand that different personalities use and interpret silence differently. Some people say everything that pops into their head, while others carefully choose what they want to say. I'd say I lean towards the latter.

I am perfectly content to sit in silence with someone I am comfortable with. It is soothing to me. Sometimes that silence is loaded with unspoken words, and other times it simply is silence. Either way, I appreciate when others are ok with my silence. It is a part of who I am and it will probably never change.

Honesty

Honesty is something I very highly value. I think honesty in friendships is a must, even when the truth may sting a little. I love getting to the point in a friendship where you can be honest without fear of losing the friendship. That is something I am working on...being completely honest with my friends about how I am feeling. Many times I squelch the desire to be honest with how I am feeling (especially if they are negative feelings) but I think in the long-run that just creates more problems.

Today I was able to get to that honesty point with a friend and it actually ended up solving several problems! I just wish that we hadn't waited so long to talk to each other.

Lesson learned today: Honesty is so refreshing.

Don't know

Today was one of those days where I was totally incapable of making any decisions....even the simple ones. Don't even get me started on the hard ones. I had and still have no idea what I wanted, much less what I needed. I do not enjoy days like that at all. I get so frustrated because my mind goes one way and then it goes the opposite way and then I just end up exhausted. I am mentally drained for the day. I just hope tomorrow will be better than today.

Worship

I do not understand the ways of God. I am not supposed to. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts. He always seems to catch me off guard. I was caught off guard several times this week.

I started a new semester of seminary on Monday. I knew it would be hard, but good as well. I didn't expect for God to move in such a strong way within the first 4 days though. I was in chapel on Tuesday and I broke down crying in the middle of worship. I was just struck by how marvelous and holy God is. I really can't describe how it felt. I was stuck by his majesty and then I was struck by how I've ignored it for so long. I was weeping because this past summer I put so many other things before God. I was weeping because I hadn't truly worshiped God in a really long time. I was weeping because despite all of that, He still loves me.

This morning I went for a run down by the river. I stopped at one point to go and sit down on some rocks in the river. I just wanted to sit and think. I had my ipod with me so I started listening to some worship music. Again, God moved....and again, I cried. I was listening to "How Deep the Father's Love for us" and I just felt so unworthy of his unconditional love. I was crying because I know I don't deserve his love, yet he chooses to give it anyway. I've chased after so many other things, and somehow I always end up back at the feet of Jesus.

For so many years now I've been dependent on people rather than God. I've put people where God should be. When I want to be comforted I usually go to a friend before I go to God. There are many reasons why I do this, and I won't get into that now. The main point is that I've been looking for security in people rather than in God. That is a really good way to end up getting hurt. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but I am just now ready to start dealing with it.

I would love to know what it feels like to be dependent on nobody but God. I want to get to the point where if everyone in my life abandoned me, I would be ok because I have placed my heart and life in God's hands and nobody else's. I'm not there right now. I'm working on it though. I pray that God will help me and guide me on this journey to be dependent on nobody but him.

Ready or Not

In 2 days my second semester of seminary will start. In some ways I am ready and in some ways I am definitely not. I'm ready to get back into a routine and start learning again. I'm ready for the hustle and bustle of campus and seeing my friends everyday. I'm ready for that kind of change.

There are other changes I am not ready for. The past two weeks or so I have figured some things out about myself that probably need to start changing. I'm not sure I'm ready to change though. It will be hard and it won't be fun at points, but in the end I think it will make alot of things better. I know God will help me make these changes and it will all be worth it. I guess I just have to get ready...