Healing

Ok...get ready. I think this is going to be a long one.

This is a time of healing in my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healing is a wonderful thing, but can also bring a new kind of pain. Healing usually requires you to admit that you have lost something in your life and you must learn to accept that.

The most tangible evidence of this in my life is my sprained ankle. This is the physical healing that is going on right now. Now, I can be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my health. I tend to think I'm just fine when I'm not. Four days after I sprained my ankle I decided I did not need my crutches anymore. I refused to admit that I needed them. I hated to be dependent on those things. I did not want to have to ask for help anymore and I decided I would just start walking. Well, that was fine for a day but then I started feeling the effects of it. My ankle was definitely not ready for that. I ended up having to go to the doctor again and he ordered me to stay on crutches for at least another week. He even said I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon if it doesn't heal soon. So...I learned that pretending you are ok when you aren't can cause more pain in the long run.

Now, of course my sprained ankle has caused physical pain, but I've also experienced the pain that comes from the loss of being independent and active. I am normally an extremely active person, but there is only so much you can do on crutches. I would give anything to be able to just run right now. That has been taken away from me though. I've spent this last week reflecting on the spiritual implications of this injury. I think my forced immobility also symbolizes the fact that God wants me to sit and be still before him. I've known for a while that I tend to run away from things I don't want to face. Running away is less painful and is easier. Well I think God is trying to tell me that I can't run away this time. He wants me to deal with some things that I have not wanted to deal with...ever. I'll think about them for a little while and then get frustrated and forget about it. Well, I think now it is time to deal with them for good.

Healing can only happen if you allow it to happen. By walking on my ankle too soon I was not allowing adequate time for it to heal. The same can be said for my emotional pain. By telling myself I am just fine when I really am not, I am not really allowing myself to heal. It is really hard to move on when you are really just faking it. I need to face the truth and accept the pain that goes along with that. Only then can God heal me. Up until this point I have not been ready for that...I'm still not sure if I am. But as long as I stubbornly stay in this place, I will continue to make my healing process so much harder and possibly cause even more pain in the long run.

I don't know why this is so hard for me. I do desire healing. I think that maybe just like I don't like to be dependant on my crutches, I also don't like to be dependant on God. Well, I must be dependant on him in order to heal. He is the only one who can bring true healing. I need to put aside my stubborn will and let him to his work. Now that I've written all this and reflected on it, it is time for me to own it and believe it.