I like songs that have a forward-moving rhythm...songs that propel you forward...make you want to run. They remind me that life goes on and there is an exciting future awaiting me. They inspire me to keep moving forward.
I have been doing alot of self-reflection over the past couple of days. I did so much self-reflection this past semester I didn't think I would ever want to do it again. Well, I've found myself almost forced to self-reflect before I can move forward. At first it was painful, but I identified some areas that are due for some growth. It was painful to realize some truths about myself, but it is so exciting to know that I can now start working on those areas. It is so good to see that out of pain comes growth. That is the only thing that makes the pain a little less painful...knowing that I am learning something through it. This growth is what will keep me moving forward...on to new and exciting things.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Fast Forward
Have you ever wanted to fast forward a couple of days/months/years? I have and I do right now. Part of me wants to just skip all this, but the other part knows it is necessary for my personal growth. There is a purpose in each day, even though some days hurt more than others. If I could fast forward, I probably would regret doing it. Tomorrow may hold something beautiful and new and refreshing and if I fast forwarded I would miss it. I can only hope that each day will get easier. I know it will.
I like to think of my life as one big canvas that is work in progress. God is painting the picture and he chooses what colors and brushes and strokes to use. I have to trust that he has the finished product in mind. Some parts of my canvas are darker and rougher than others. I feel like those are the parts that are being painted right now. After God is finished painting those parts, he will move on to the ligher, smoother parts. He may combine the dark with the light and go back and forth and up and down. When it is finished, all the parts will combine to make a masterpiece.
I like to think of my life as one big canvas that is work in progress. God is painting the picture and he chooses what colors and brushes and strokes to use. I have to trust that he has the finished product in mind. Some parts of my canvas are darker and rougher than others. I feel like those are the parts that are being painted right now. After God is finished painting those parts, he will move on to the ligher, smoother parts. He may combine the dark with the light and go back and forth and up and down. When it is finished, all the parts will combine to make a masterpiece.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Anger
I am angry. I am allowing myself to be angry. I am angry and hurt and that is ok. I won't be angry forever but I am right now. I usually supress my anger and pretend I'm not, but I just couldn't do that tonight. Thank God for friends that understand me and support me.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Figuring it out
So...funny thing before I actually start the real post...my right calf is now noticably larger than my left calf (b/c of the sprained ankle and walking on crutches). Pretty much the only bruising that is left is on my toes and the back of my calf...random places. It is still swollen a little bit and I still can't bend it very much, but I think it is slowly healing. I'm hoping in a week to be able to walk at least somewhat normally...
So this morning as I was sitting out on my balcony spending some time with God, I realized that most of my quiet times are ususally spent with me trying to figure stuff out. I try so hard to figure out what God is teaching me and why I am in certain circumstances. I think about what it is He is doing in me and what He wants me to do. When I can't figure it out I get a little (or maybe alot) frustrated.
Now, while I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking to figure these things out, also think I have let it consume my time with God. Instead of simply seeking Him, I am seeking answers. I know those answers won't come until God is ready to reveal them to me, so why am I trying so hard? I also know that I may never get all the answers I am seeking. That drives me crazy, but I have to accept it.
The answers will come in God's timing.
So this morning as I was sitting out on my balcony spending some time with God, I realized that most of my quiet times are ususally spent with me trying to figure stuff out. I try so hard to figure out what God is teaching me and why I am in certain circumstances. I think about what it is He is doing in me and what He wants me to do. When I can't figure it out I get a little (or maybe alot) frustrated.
Now, while I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking to figure these things out, also think I have let it consume my time with God. Instead of simply seeking Him, I am seeking answers. I know those answers won't come until God is ready to reveal them to me, so why am I trying so hard? I also know that I may never get all the answers I am seeking. That drives me crazy, but I have to accept it.
The answers will come in God's timing.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Bored
Ok...so I am incredibly bored right now. I am still not able to walk because of my ankle (well I can limp around pretty pathetically...but I shouldn't be) so I have been laying on the couch all morning with my ankle propped up. I think I have watched 4 episodes of Lost which is about my limit. Nobody is home and I'm about to go crazy with boredom so I decided to blog. I have no idea what this blog will turn into becuase I don't really have anything in particular I am wanting to write about. I will just write whatever pops into my head.
After being in Texas for over a week I have considered chopping all my hair off again. I remember why I always wore ponytails or had short hair...it is SO hot and humid! I'm only here for 2 more days so I think I won't do anything rash...I would like to grow out my hair for locks of love. I've tried to do it before but cut it all off before it was long enough.
Oh...Andrea and Danny's wedding was wonderful this past weekend. It is hard to believe they are actually married! Andrea was absolutely gorgeous. I did end having to be on crutches for the wedding. I walked in first and they had a little stool for me to sit in at the front. Standing on one leg for 45 minutes wasn't about to happen! During the recessional I tripped a bit with my crutches and gave everyone a good laugh :) I ditched the crutches during the reception which probably wasn't wise but I was sick of them. I got really good at dancing with one leg. I wasn't about to let my sprained ankle keep me from having a good time.
Speaking of my ankle...I think it is slowly getting better. I still can't bend it or stand straight up on it. When I limp I have to hold my leg out to the side so that my ankle won't bend. It is so graceful looking ;) If I don't see improvement in the next couple of days I will have to see an orthopedic surgeon. I am praying that it will heal and it won't come to that. The pattern of bruising is really weird. My toes are blue and purple and the outside of my leg almost up to my knee is bruised. My dad thinks its just because the blood is draining that way when I prop my leg up.
Well thats all I have to say for now.
After being in Texas for over a week I have considered chopping all my hair off again. I remember why I always wore ponytails or had short hair...it is SO hot and humid! I'm only here for 2 more days so I think I won't do anything rash...I would like to grow out my hair for locks of love. I've tried to do it before but cut it all off before it was long enough.
Oh...Andrea and Danny's wedding was wonderful this past weekend. It is hard to believe they are actually married! Andrea was absolutely gorgeous. I did end having to be on crutches for the wedding. I walked in first and they had a little stool for me to sit in at the front. Standing on one leg for 45 minutes wasn't about to happen! During the recessional I tripped a bit with my crutches and gave everyone a good laugh :) I ditched the crutches during the reception which probably wasn't wise but I was sick of them. I got really good at dancing with one leg. I wasn't about to let my sprained ankle keep me from having a good time.
Speaking of my ankle...I think it is slowly getting better. I still can't bend it or stand straight up on it. When I limp I have to hold my leg out to the side so that my ankle won't bend. It is so graceful looking ;) If I don't see improvement in the next couple of days I will have to see an orthopedic surgeon. I am praying that it will heal and it won't come to that. The pattern of bruising is really weird. My toes are blue and purple and the outside of my leg almost up to my knee is bruised. My dad thinks its just because the blood is draining that way when I prop my leg up.
Well thats all I have to say for now.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Healing
Ok...get ready. I think this is going to be a long one.
This is a time of healing in my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healing is a wonderful thing, but can also bring a new kind of pain. Healing usually requires you to admit that you have lost something in your life and you must learn to accept that.
The most tangible evidence of this in my life is my sprained ankle. This is the physical healing that is going on right now. Now, I can be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my health. I tend to think I'm just fine when I'm not. Four days after I sprained my ankle I decided I did not need my crutches anymore. I refused to admit that I needed them. I hated to be dependent on those things. I did not want to have to ask for help anymore and I decided I would just start walking. Well, that was fine for a day but then I started feeling the effects of it. My ankle was definitely not ready for that. I ended up having to go to the doctor again and he ordered me to stay on crutches for at least another week. He even said I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon if it doesn't heal soon. So...I learned that pretending you are ok when you aren't can cause more pain in the long run.
Now, of course my sprained ankle has caused physical pain, but I've also experienced the pain that comes from the loss of being independent and active. I am normally an extremely active person, but there is only so much you can do on crutches. I would give anything to be able to just run right now. That has been taken away from me though. I've spent this last week reflecting on the spiritual implications of this injury. I think my forced immobility also symbolizes the fact that God wants me to sit and be still before him. I've known for a while that I tend to run away from things I don't want to face. Running away is less painful and is easier. Well I think God is trying to tell me that I can't run away this time. He wants me to deal with some things that I have not wanted to deal with...ever. I'll think about them for a little while and then get frustrated and forget about it. Well, I think now it is time to deal with them for good.
Healing can only happen if you allow it to happen. By walking on my ankle too soon I was not allowing adequate time for it to heal. The same can be said for my emotional pain. By telling myself I am just fine when I really am not, I am not really allowing myself to heal. It is really hard to move on when you are really just faking it. I need to face the truth and accept the pain that goes along with that. Only then can God heal me. Up until this point I have not been ready for that...I'm still not sure if I am. But as long as I stubbornly stay in this place, I will continue to make my healing process so much harder and possibly cause even more pain in the long run.
I don't know why this is so hard for me. I do desire healing. I think that maybe just like I don't like to be dependant on my crutches, I also don't like to be dependant on God. Well, I must be dependant on him in order to heal. He is the only one who can bring true healing. I need to put aside my stubborn will and let him to his work. Now that I've written all this and reflected on it, it is time for me to own it and believe it.
This is a time of healing in my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healing is a wonderful thing, but can also bring a new kind of pain. Healing usually requires you to admit that you have lost something in your life and you must learn to accept that.
The most tangible evidence of this in my life is my sprained ankle. This is the physical healing that is going on right now. Now, I can be a pretty stubborn person when it comes to my health. I tend to think I'm just fine when I'm not. Four days after I sprained my ankle I decided I did not need my crutches anymore. I refused to admit that I needed them. I hated to be dependent on those things. I did not want to have to ask for help anymore and I decided I would just start walking. Well, that was fine for a day but then I started feeling the effects of it. My ankle was definitely not ready for that. I ended up having to go to the doctor again and he ordered me to stay on crutches for at least another week. He even said I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon if it doesn't heal soon. So...I learned that pretending you are ok when you aren't can cause more pain in the long run.
Now, of course my sprained ankle has caused physical pain, but I've also experienced the pain that comes from the loss of being independent and active. I am normally an extremely active person, but there is only so much you can do on crutches. I would give anything to be able to just run right now. That has been taken away from me though. I've spent this last week reflecting on the spiritual implications of this injury. I think my forced immobility also symbolizes the fact that God wants me to sit and be still before him. I've known for a while that I tend to run away from things I don't want to face. Running away is less painful and is easier. Well I think God is trying to tell me that I can't run away this time. He wants me to deal with some things that I have not wanted to deal with...ever. I'll think about them for a little while and then get frustrated and forget about it. Well, I think now it is time to deal with them for good.
Healing can only happen if you allow it to happen. By walking on my ankle too soon I was not allowing adequate time for it to heal. The same can be said for my emotional pain. By telling myself I am just fine when I really am not, I am not really allowing myself to heal. It is really hard to move on when you are really just faking it. I need to face the truth and accept the pain that goes along with that. Only then can God heal me. Up until this point I have not been ready for that...I'm still not sure if I am. But as long as I stubbornly stay in this place, I will continue to make my healing process so much harder and possibly cause even more pain in the long run.
I don't know why this is so hard for me. I do desire healing. I think that maybe just like I don't like to be dependant on my crutches, I also don't like to be dependant on God. Well, I must be dependant on him in order to heal. He is the only one who can bring true healing. I need to put aside my stubborn will and let him to his work. Now that I've written all this and reflected on it, it is time for me to own it and believe it.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Home
I've been home for 3 days now. There is something about coming home that is so sweet and comforting. I've lived in this same house since I was 2 years old. All my memories are here. When I am home, I can leave the cares of my life behind. For just a few days I can rest in the fact that I am safe and sound with my family. I can pretend I am 5 again, running around in the backyard trying to catch fireflys at night (I can only pretend b/c unfortunately I won't be doing any running for awhile). I can sit out on our back porch on my favorite loveseat and just be. Of course our golden retriever, Neo, will always be there trying to get me to pet him. He never fails to succeed. I am perfectly content as he rests his head on my lap and I stare out into the forest listening to the locusts and enjoying the warm breeze. I make my way over to the hammock and lay there for awhile. Of course, Neo follows.
Back inside, I lay on the couch and enjoy a book while my mom waters the flowers outside and my dad naps. I look at my senior pictures that are displayed on our cabinets and remember my high school years. I remember the people I went to school with and wonder how they are all doing. I can't believe it was 5 years ago that I graduated with such hopes for my future. My life is exactly what I thought it would be, but that is probably a good thing. God had different plans than I did. His plans are always better anyway...
There is something about a perfect Texas summer evening at home that can't be captured in words. The sights, sounds, and smells are all so comforting for me. I am so lucky to have grown up here. I have so many wonderful memories in this house and backyard. I remember the HUGE 4th of July parties we would have here. We used to have a pool back then. We would swim and barbeque and all the kids would run around like crazy and throw water balloons at each other. I remember playing outside in the sprinkler and trying to convince my mom to let me take my barbies in the pool. I remember our gameroom. That was my favorite room to be in when it rained because it had a tin roof. That room has since been torn down and remodled. It used to have a wall-unit air conditioner and my sister and I would always run to it after we took a bath and dry our hair over it. We thought that was so much fun. I miss those days. It is nice to be able to come home and remember though.
Yesterday after church my family and my grandparents ate lunch at Hunan Gardens, on of my favorite Chinese restaurants. We used to go there all the time after church. It had been probably almost 3 years since I had eaten there. Then we came home and I laid out in our backyard. I forgot what pure Texas heat feels like. I was sweating after 5 minutes, but it felt good. That evening we all went to the Lissie ice cream social. Lissie is where my family's rice farm is located. I have many fond memories there as well. My grandma's church was hosting the social. Imagine 10 or 15 different flavors of homemade ice-cream! I sat down with my grandma's peach ice-cream and watched as young and old enjoyed ice-cream together. There was a little puppy running around that was getting passed around. There were babies crawling around with their moms keeping a close eye out. It was a lovely evening.
Today I had lunch at my other grandma's house. She is a wonderful cook. I sat at the kitchen table and looked out the window watching the towels on the clothesline flap in the wind. There were fresh haybales in the field that gave the air a touch of sweetness. I reflected on how blessed I was to be there and what a wonderful childhood I have had. I love living in Denver and am enjoying my life there, but there will never be any place like home. I don't know that I will ever live in East Bernard again, but I will always look forward to visits.
Back inside, I lay on the couch and enjoy a book while my mom waters the flowers outside and my dad naps. I look at my senior pictures that are displayed on our cabinets and remember my high school years. I remember the people I went to school with and wonder how they are all doing. I can't believe it was 5 years ago that I graduated with such hopes for my future. My life is exactly what I thought it would be, but that is probably a good thing. God had different plans than I did. His plans are always better anyway...
There is something about a perfect Texas summer evening at home that can't be captured in words. The sights, sounds, and smells are all so comforting for me. I am so lucky to have grown up here. I have so many wonderful memories in this house and backyard. I remember the HUGE 4th of July parties we would have here. We used to have a pool back then. We would swim and barbeque and all the kids would run around like crazy and throw water balloons at each other. I remember playing outside in the sprinkler and trying to convince my mom to let me take my barbies in the pool. I remember our gameroom. That was my favorite room to be in when it rained because it had a tin roof. That room has since been torn down and remodled. It used to have a wall-unit air conditioner and my sister and I would always run to it after we took a bath and dry our hair over it. We thought that was so much fun. I miss those days. It is nice to be able to come home and remember though.
Yesterday after church my family and my grandparents ate lunch at Hunan Gardens, on of my favorite Chinese restaurants. We used to go there all the time after church. It had been probably almost 3 years since I had eaten there. Then we came home and I laid out in our backyard. I forgot what pure Texas heat feels like. I was sweating after 5 minutes, but it felt good. That evening we all went to the Lissie ice cream social. Lissie is where my family's rice farm is located. I have many fond memories there as well. My grandma's church was hosting the social. Imagine 10 or 15 different flavors of homemade ice-cream! I sat down with my grandma's peach ice-cream and watched as young and old enjoyed ice-cream together. There was a little puppy running around that was getting passed around. There were babies crawling around with their moms keeping a close eye out. It was a lovely evening.
Today I had lunch at my other grandma's house. She is a wonderful cook. I sat at the kitchen table and looked out the window watching the towels on the clothesline flap in the wind. There were fresh haybales in the field that gave the air a touch of sweetness. I reflected on how blessed I was to be there and what a wonderful childhood I have had. I love living in Denver and am enjoying my life there, but there will never be any place like home. I don't know that I will ever live in East Bernard again, but I will always look forward to visits.
Friday, June 5, 2009
God's Timing
Why is it that I am always surprised by God's faithfulness? He is always faithful, yet somehow I forget. He comes through every time just when I most need it. His timing is perfect and flawless.
This morning started out rough for me. I woke up and remembered what was going on in my life and looked at my blue and green swollen ankle and knew it would not be a good day. I knew I needed to deal with some things with God and I wasn't excited about it. I sat down in my big comfy chair and just let myself be sad. I listened to Tenth Avenue North's "By Your Side" for about the millioneth time in the last week and just let it all out. I let myself cry for as long as I needed to. I listened to that song 4 times in a row before I started really beleiving the words. Accepting God's unconditional love is hard for me. I'm working on that.
Well right as I was just about finished with my cry fest my phone rings. It was one of my old roommates, Brittany, who is amazing. She had been reading my blog and felt led to call me. Well, the timing could not have been more perfect. God knew I needed someone to talk to right at that very moment and Brittany was the perfect person. While I was on the phone with her another friend called to check on me and see how I was doing. I called him back and he rescued me from my apartment and we ended up hanging out all afternoon and had some great conversation.
After we hung out I came back to my apartment and journaled for a while. I felt much more at peace than I did when I woke up this morning. I knew that God had provided for me today. I was in awe of how much my attitude had changed since this morning. After journaling I had dinner with another friend and then went to Bible study. Again, God provided. We had a great Bible study and I got to know some new people. I felt that God was moving and providing some new ideas and people for our study. I had been wanting that for awhile.
I ended the evening by watching "So you Think you can Dance" with some awesome people. I just got home and plopped back down on the very chair I started out in this morning and decided to blog. My day ended up completely different than I originally thought it would. What started out as a terrible horrible no good very bad day ended up being a great day. God is so good and I know he will continue to provide for me.
This morning started out rough for me. I woke up and remembered what was going on in my life and looked at my blue and green swollen ankle and knew it would not be a good day. I knew I needed to deal with some things with God and I wasn't excited about it. I sat down in my big comfy chair and just let myself be sad. I listened to Tenth Avenue North's "By Your Side" for about the millioneth time in the last week and just let it all out. I let myself cry for as long as I needed to. I listened to that song 4 times in a row before I started really beleiving the words. Accepting God's unconditional love is hard for me. I'm working on that.
Well right as I was just about finished with my cry fest my phone rings. It was one of my old roommates, Brittany, who is amazing. She had been reading my blog and felt led to call me. Well, the timing could not have been more perfect. God knew I needed someone to talk to right at that very moment and Brittany was the perfect person. While I was on the phone with her another friend called to check on me and see how I was doing. I called him back and he rescued me from my apartment and we ended up hanging out all afternoon and had some great conversation.
After we hung out I came back to my apartment and journaled for a while. I felt much more at peace than I did when I woke up this morning. I knew that God had provided for me today. I was in awe of how much my attitude had changed since this morning. After journaling I had dinner with another friend and then went to Bible study. Again, God provided. We had a great Bible study and I got to know some new people. I felt that God was moving and providing some new ideas and people for our study. I had been wanting that for awhile.
I ended the evening by watching "So you Think you can Dance" with some awesome people. I just got home and plopped back down on the very chair I started out in this morning and decided to blog. My day ended up completely different than I originally thought it would. What started out as a terrible horrible no good very bad day ended up being a great day. God is so good and I know he will continue to provide for me.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I don't know
I don't know what is going on in my life. I think God has been trying to get my attention. Well, he has it.
I sprained my ankle last night jumping on a trampoline. I've had sprains before, but never this bad. All I can do is sit. I can't even walk without crutches. Sitting alone in my apartment all day makes for some good alone time with God, yet I find myself trying to come up with distractions. I want something to occupy my mind so that I don't have to think about myself anymore. I am so tired of that. I am tired of thinking about what is wrong with me and why I am hurting and why I am running away. I just want to sit and be. I just want to be ok with where I am, but I'm not.
This has been a rough week for me. Running is my outlet. It is what I do when I don't know what to do. I just go run. Well, that is no longer an option for me. Now I have to sit. Maybe this is right where God wants me...sitting still before him. That is hard for me. I sense that he wants to show me or teach me something. Sitting still forces me to think and even feel. I have become very good at blocking emotions lately. I used to be horrible at that, but now I can convince myself that I am fine even when I am not. Maybe it is time for me to feel. I have to let go of some things...things I have been holding on to for much too long. These things from my past have just been weighing me down.
It is time to turn the page.
I sprained my ankle last night jumping on a trampoline. I've had sprains before, but never this bad. All I can do is sit. I can't even walk without crutches. Sitting alone in my apartment all day makes for some good alone time with God, yet I find myself trying to come up with distractions. I want something to occupy my mind so that I don't have to think about myself anymore. I am so tired of that. I am tired of thinking about what is wrong with me and why I am hurting and why I am running away. I just want to sit and be. I just want to be ok with where I am, but I'm not.
This has been a rough week for me. Running is my outlet. It is what I do when I don't know what to do. I just go run. Well, that is no longer an option for me. Now I have to sit. Maybe this is right where God wants me...sitting still before him. That is hard for me. I sense that he wants to show me or teach me something. Sitting still forces me to think and even feel. I have become very good at blocking emotions lately. I used to be horrible at that, but now I can convince myself that I am fine even when I am not. Maybe it is time for me to feel. I have to let go of some things...things I have been holding on to for much too long. These things from my past have just been weighing me down.
It is time to turn the page.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Understanding
Understanding is something that is very important to me. I like to understand what is going on in my life and why it is going on. I am realizing that sometimes understanding doesn't come. Maybe I am not meant to understand it. Maybe I will understand it later. I am learning to trust that God has his reasons. I don't have to understand them, but I wish I could. It is really hard to understand pain and hurt. I beleive that he is at work in that pain and hurt though. Somehow, someway he will use it in my life for good. I don't understand how right now, but maybe he will reveal that to me someday.
By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North- By Your Side
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
'Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
'Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
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