Family

I just got off the phone with my mom. Man am I lucky to have such an amazing family. (I love you mom!) She really encouraged me right when I needed it. She loved my creative project and said she couldn't believe that she was my mother. I thought that was quite funny. The older I get, the more I realize I am like my mom. She is really funny and I think I have inherited her sense of humor.

I've been thinking about family alot lately because I am writing a 25 page paper about my development. I've had to dig back into alot of memories to really investigate what played the biggest parts in my development. There are wayyyy too many things to name and I could write way more than 25 pages about my development.

Ok, I am going to get a little nerdy here and start talking about some stuff I've learned in class. Sorry if this bores you, but it absolutely fascinates me. One of the theories I am using in this paper is called Attachment Theory. It is all about how we form attachments to our primary caregivers when we are young. There are 3 kinds of attachments you can form, one of which is the secure attachment. I fall in this category, but also display some characteristics of the other attachments, anxious and ambivalent. I won't go too much further in depth because it is a complex theory and once I start writing about it I could go on forever.

Anyways...the reason I explained all that is because I have been thinking about how blessed I truly am to have such an amazing family. I had pretty much a fairytale childhood compared to some people I know. My parents were always able to provide for us and were always very supportive of their kids. Now of course, I had issues, and I still do, but in the big scheme of things I am pretty darn lucky.

The downside of having such a blessed and "easy" life is that when I see pain and suffering in other's lives, I tend to feel guilty that I've had such a good life. I know, to some of you that may seem totally ridiculous, but it is something I struggle with. I grew up in a very small town and was always taken care of. My parents provided safety and security for me. Going away to college opened my eyes. Not everyone is so lucky. Why is that? I have no idea. I don't know why God chose to place me in such an amazing family while others have to suffer so much. I don't think I'll ever have an answer to that question.

I also fear judgement from people who have suffered. I am afraid that they will resent me because of how good I had it. I am still working through all of this, so this may not come out making a whole lot of sense. I am just starting to realize the role that judgement has played in my development both spiritually and emotionally. I feel that I have been judged alot by various different people and I am just now seeing how much of an effect that has had on my identity. It is amazing how much a person changes becuase they fear judgement. What if we lived in a world where nobody judged? Do you think people would feel free to be themselves? I know I would.

I have a whoooollllleeeee lot more thoughts on all of this, but this post is already getting kind of long so I'll stop here. I would love to talk about this with anyone who is interested. These subjects have really caught my attention this semester and I'd love to bounce some ideas off anyone who is interested!